My daughter asked me why my grandfather was a racist, and if she has to become one too
I said it was because his parents didn’t raise him properly, and he was ignorant and full of hate
As she walked away crying I realized she was asking me how he became a race car driver
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“Can’t beat fresh apple pie” she says, setting 1 down. I slam my fist into it. 3rd degree burns. “Wrong” I whisper 4 hrs later in the ER.
Nothing good ever comes after: “I’m not trying to be creepy, but…”
i’m sure it’s fine
Shout out to political bumper stickers, changing nobody’s mind and lowering the value of your car and whatnot.
I’m sorry that your Facebook personality quiz matched you up with a rice cake.
It is NOT acceptable to lift up the back of a woman’s shirt to look at her lower back tattoo, even if you’re at Walmart… I know that now
the squirrels are playing dodgeball with acorns again, must be mating season
Super Mario and Zelda are very accurate in depicting the idiotic things men will do for pussy.
What kind of dessert do ghosts always come back for??
A Boo Meringue
Material Girl is my favorite song about a seamstress.
I made some fish tacos last night.
the ingrates just ignored them and swam away
Facebook-
You: Going to a concert tonight!
Friend: Sweet, what concert?
Aunt: WHAT IS ITUNEZ?????? HOW IS YOUR DAD????? I LOVE YOU XOXOXO
Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does
Me: Well that makes two of us..
(One of my sons murders the other) hey cut the crap. both of you. knock it off
[fancy restaurant]
Me: do you have orange cat food?
Wife [whispers to waiter]: he means lasagna
Why are you screaming my name? I’m right here..
Having sex is weird.
I clean my house before going away like burglars give yelp reviews.
If you need to rush somewhere, carry a fire extinguisher. Nobody will stop a person running with a fire extinguisher.
*at plastic surgery consultation*
Surgeon: “So here’s the estimated cost for the plastic surgery.”
Me, broke: “How much for paper surgery?”
What an exciting day!
First I’ve found a hat full of money,
then I was chased around town by some weird guy with a guitar.#HatDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
ME: [unbuttoning shirt] There’s only one way to settle this. Dance off!
CUSTODY ATTORNEY: No
My friends are arguing about heating leftover pizza or eating it cold, and I’m over here wondering why they have leftover pizza.
nothing says 2019 like when you group text your family from the bathroom to bring you toilet paper
My 7-year-old texted me to ask when my birthday is, which would be cute except I think she’s trying to steal my identity.
*tides knock down my sand castle*
Me: [looks up at moon] now it’s personal [loads pistol]
[on the 7th day]
dodo bird: those humans you made, are they uh safe?
god: yeah totally harmless little dude
dodo: *watching adam sharpen a stone* c-can you maybe keep an eye on them?
god: *biting into a kitkat* sure thing buddy
People need to realize that being an alpha male has nothing to do with power and dominance and has everything to do with how many things you can carry in a store without a basket.
BREAKING: Man arrested for owning a waterbed. Police reported that “it’s not really illegal, but a waterbed in 2014? That’s just creepy.”
My daughter just told me I have a big butt. Now my son is my favorite child, because he hasn’t learned how to talk yet.
My peeves aren’t pets. They’re family.