Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I don’t think I fit into some box with a label on it.

Serial Killer: *looking disappointed* Are you sure?

I had a cat and a Beta fish once. Then I left my apartment for a minute. After that I had a cat.

“I Wish I Had Her Skin!”

– Teenage Girls & Serial Killers

I threw away garbage.

In the garbage can.

The day after garbage day.

My husband is horrified with me.

*during sex

Any way I could convince you to make some velociraptor noises?

Me- *Merging in traffic* Am I clear on your side?
13- *continues looking at her phone* Yes

Two wolves ? more like a hyena carcass and a dust bunny.

happy mother’s day here is the result of my mom voice texting while talking to her dog

Okay Canada. You’ve made your point.

Will you take winter back now?

Please?

My husband keeps texting me he loves me and that i’m hot, what a weirdo like calm down pal, we’re married

#Homeschooling Day 5:
Hung out in the teacher’s lounge until lunch. Snacks were awesome.
Now singing karaoke on the school announcement system.
We got this.

Her: Do you like this outfit?

Him: It’s okay I guess.
What are you doing?

Her: Changing.

Him: But we’re gonna be late! I said it was okay!

Men bring a lot of their problems on themselves.

Just had a drink at an airport Bubba Gump Shrimp Co and I’m appalled they don’t have a cocktail named Rum Forrest Rum.

I’m sitting here watching this married couple argue in this restaurant. Then their 8 year old says “oh great, dinner and a show.” Priceless.

Her: I dreamt I was being murdered.

Me: Was I the one who was murdering you?

Her: No.

Me: (Sigh) Well, was I helping in any way at all?

Pastor: For better, for worse?

Husbands: Sure.

P: In sickness and in health?

H: Yep.

P: Till death do you part?

H: I do.

P: And also she’s going to want some of your fries even if she doesn’t order her own.

H: Hang on … what?

We have a fun thing at work where we hide things as a joke. For example, I just hid Nicole’s bowl of candy corn in the dumpster outside.

my therapist asked me what i wanted to talk about for that session and i blurted out a human with robotic limbs is cool but a robot with human limbs would be absolutely terrifying

How can you have beef with Keanu…it’s like hating a rainbow

Twitter is the new flypaper.

i like how every TEDtalk ever is just like “organize your time better” and everyone says “revolutionary, thank you”

My kid just told me I look so young from this angle. The angle being the back of my head.

I finally found a reason to live again.

So in The Matrix they feed you the liquified remains of the dead through a tube but you get to sleep and be online all day? I’m listening.

I’m pretty sure the coupon I gave you for a $7 haircut suggests that I’m not interested in that $44 bottle of shampoo, but thank you.

Sometimes I think about when my 2 friends asked me to play the board game “Risk.” They were both smart & ultracompetitive, & focused on annihilating each other. Nonstop trash talk. They forgot I was playing until suddenly they realized I had taken over the world & won the game.

Oh, you drink black coffee? Tell your ulcer I said good morning

what do you want to eat?

what are you in the mood for?

UPS guy just acted like he’d never seen anyone answer the door in a super hero cape & a straw farmer hat.

[first day as a Twitter designer]
Never mind an edit button. What people really want are round avis.