my neighbor just told me about an alien sighting he had that was just a regular southwest boeing 737 in the sky but he said he could see into the cockpit with binoculars and there was an alien flying it
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Your salary is just your company’s monthly subscription of you
I think Schrödinger would’ve really liked the microwave.
Shhh, turn out the lights and hide. My feelings are knocking on the door.
very rude of my sister to give birth to twins on the same day we think might be my cats birthday. richard’s spotlight will not be robbed.
ME: I’ll have the pasta with mushroom, aka the fungus of the woods.
DATE: You know when you say it like that it’s not very appetizing.
ME: Oh, sorry! I’ll have the shrimp instead, aka the cockroach of the sea.
I have decided to purchase the grocery store because it is now cheaper than the groceries inside it.
No matter what country they’re in ducks always have the same quaccent.
The local news says we can tell there’s been a power failure with their new app.
Call me old fashioned but the lack of lights tips me off.
me: if i follow them, will i see their tweets?
Twitter: absolu-
Twitter algorithm: no.
Don’t talk to me unless you are a ham sandwich.
Therapist: So you’re sheltering in place..?
Me: Yes but when I have to go out, there’s always some weirdo who won’t let me social distance
Husband: I thought we agreed no name-calling
the vaccine could be radioactive dumpster water & it would still be healthier than most of what I put into my body during quarantine
[mattress store]
Me: bet u get a lot of losers asking which ones are piss proof huh
Clerk: not really
Me: what would u recommend to them tho
I was watching a show for about 10 minutes, and this lady was listing all of these great things to do for fun. Then I realized that it’s one of the religious channels, and she was reading a list of sins
My financial advisor recommended I join a doomsday cult.
“The guy is pure evil!”
“He’s complex”
“Religious icons and Bibles catch on fire when he walks by!”
“He’s deep!”
“Priests and Pastors drop dead when they look at him!”
“He’s troubled! Stop being negative!”
One of my boys just hit me with a “who’s all there” text so now I’m in the club taking attendance like an overwhelmed substitute teacher
[reading death threat]
*shrugs* Anyone with spelling this bad would definitely botch a murder.
I like when players of opposite teams hug after the game as if to say, “We’re all so very, very rich.”
My cat is so finicky. I finally gave up and taught him how to order Uber Eats for himself.
Earth is indeed bipolar, but it’s not a disorder.
Some say the glass is half empty. Some say it’s half full. I ask “Are you going to finish that?”.
Why is it called In N Out when the line is 10 miles long
“Sir, do you have any dietary restrictions?”
*unbuttons pants*
“Not anymore!”
Yes I do talk to myself, everyone else just wants to argue with me
Clark: *on one knee* Lois, will you help me turn this MEtropolis into a WEtropolis
If she ever says: What did you just say!? I recommend an immediate heart attack and let the paramedics carry you out of the room.
Not to brag, but I can spend hours coming up with reasons not to do something that takes 5 minutes.
My hips don’t lie because they be like, “Fool, you gonna need some ibuprofen tonight after thinking you could play tag with your kids.”
If your online dating profile says “I don’t have sex on the first date” then that’s why you’re on a dating website.