my neighbor just told me about an alien sighting he had that was just a regular southwest boeing 737 in the sky but he said he could see into the cockpit with binoculars and there was an alien flying it
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Me: Today I will be patient, kind, and tolerant of things that I can’t control
Also me: Screams at toothpaste for not coming out of the tube faster
REP: we are pleased to provide u with the highest level of customer service!
ME: oh sorry, got the wrong number. was tryin to call comcast
Boss: Can you send the documents
Me: I am sinking in the muck of a swamp of ancient pain
Boss: Ok just don’t forget to send the documents
If I say, “Don’t worry, I’m on it,” there’s a 98% chance I’m referring to my couch.
My annoying little cousin is bragging about how he sleeps in a race car bed. Whatever, you little idiot.. I sleep in a real car.
This Is total BULLSHIT! You can’t even find ACME anvils on ebay.
THIS IS WHY THE ALIENS DON’T TAKE US SERIOUSLY!
YOU: Your guess is as good as mine
ME: Is it a dolphin wearing a banana hammock?
YOU: Ok maybe your guess isn’t as good as mine
im getting some exciting spam emails lately
People with no volume control stress me out.
I’m sorry I can’t pay attention to you because I’m literally watching everyone else pay attention to you for this personal conversation. I feel like maybe they should just chime in since they’re probably invested now.
Anyone else wake up in a grass skirt and coconut bra?
Dear makers of women’s clothing, Pants pockets should be like poetry: DEEP ENOUGH TO BE MEANINGFUL.
[first day at mcdonalds]
guy: can i get a large fry
me: you mean like a potato
My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who bites his finger whenever he eats fries
Me: I’m going to start the day early tomorrow.
WebMD: In the morgue.
Husband: Now that our younger son is 6 and our older one doesn’t turn 10 for a few months, you know what that means
Me: No, what?
H: It’s the summer of 6 and 9
Me: get out
This morning I woke up with the thought “I wish there was a way for me to create vegetables at home…”
And so I jammed out on that idea for a while until I realized I had just invented farming.
A haunted house but it’s just me walking from room to room to see the mass destruction that occurred when I left my kids alone for 5 min to take a shower.
Not arguing with people in 2024, I’m just gonna say “it makes sense that you would think that”
Her: You know, alot of men are going to be miserable when I marry.
Me: Well how many men do you plan to marry?
Your mask is a bit different, but you are one of us now
Interviewer 1: Describe yourself in one word
Me: Hired
Interviewer 2:[whispers] Holy shit can she do that??
1. Get in hammock.
2. Relax.
3. Try and get out of hammock.
4. Panic.
5. Don’t fight it and just accept that this is where you live now.
Don’t drive me crazy… unicycle me there. Show some originality, man!
Inside you there are two Durans. Both are hungry like the wolf.
I’m 50. If you say you want to be friends with benefits, you better damn well mean full medical and dental with a low deductible
what’s your pitch?
“so this guy steals from the rich…”
ok
“and gives to the poor”
nice. what’s his name?
“Robin…”
haha I love it
“Hood”
wait
You can wonder about other people’s motivations or you can hit yourself in the head with a hammer, and the end result is roughly the same.
I bet Lincoln is looking down like “dude, trust me, that is not a bad night in a theater”
My boss : Why do I have to always come and find you?
Me : Because a good employee is hard to find
I shot a man in Reno just to watch him dry
(I used a water pistol)