Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dinner Party

Hostess: How much of this would you like?

Me eyeing the platter suspiciously: just one clump please.

Enough with the false promises. If you turn on your left signal, you turn left. I don’t care if it was a mistake. You’re turning left now.

This is the cockiest hospital i have ever seen

So Nicolas Cage and John Travolta walk into a bar and the bartender says “hey, why the wrong face?”

Of course I’m a mom, why else would I hide in the laundry room to eat cake?

Was it something I said?

if you’re having trouble finding the match to one of your socks, throw it away and the missing one will immediately show up

follow me for more life hacks

Cargo pants are for when you want to wear khakis, but also want to be a backpack.

A Brady Bunch prequel, but it’s a dark Netflix series about what really happened to Mike and Carol’s first spouses.

[First day as a waiter]

Customer: Are your burgers 100% certified ground beef?

Me: duh cow’s can’t fly you idiot

You know that kid on the field who’s too busy spinning in circles to notice the ball coming at him? He’s mine, and he’s not even on a team.

If they can put a man on the moon they can make a pair of glasses that scream before you sit on them

It’s my last day in my current job and all my coworkers have come dressed as me

Next weeks therapy session is going to be a doozy

Can you fail a drug test from a mosquito bite?

Asking for the next person this mosquito bites.

I just slipped in the shower and my life flashed before my eyes but it was just a series of other times I almost fell.

[first date]
{don’t let him know you’re a psychic}
{don’t let her know you’re a psychic}
{we’re both psychic?}
{yeah}
{cool let’s bang}
{k}

*golf pro picks up his ball and eats it*

*audience claps politely*

I get it fish, my body is also beer battered

This day in history. 1999. Eminem’s mother sued him for 10 million dollars acting on behalf of the family swear jar.

Them: Just act casual
Me:

it’s weird that the skin that holds in all the organs of our body can be opened with a sharp piece of paper seems like a huge design flaw

Shepherd’s pie is the ratio of a shepherd’s circumference to its diameter

Saying no thanks to a CW’s offer to hit me with their car so I could take the day off proves decisions shouldn’t be made before coffee

FINANCIAL ADVISOR: What’s your net worth?

TRAPEZE ARTIST: I couldn’t live without it

Nurse drawing her fifth vial of blood:
Almost done.

Me: I’d hope. You gonna run tests or frame me for murder?

How the hell did we sit cross-legged all the time as kids?? I just sat cross-legged to play with the dog for a few minutes and I guess I live down here now because there is no coming back from this.

Cat: my owner is asleep. What if he is dead?
Cat 911: just walk on his face and find out.

“Shut up or I’ll eat your lunch.” Bad fight script writing or okay parenting? You decide.

All I want is for someone to push me up against a wall

Lean in

And whisper ‘I’ll do your housework’

The Job Interview:

HR: So you are bilingual?

Me: Si

HR: In your native tongue please.

Me: Ooga Booga