Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ChatGPT’s primary use is to generate plausible excuses to leave dinner at the in-laws’.

Still trying to convince my boss that I’m just using beer-flavoured toothpaste.

Instacart: We are out of soap, would you like this substitute item?
Energy bar

me: can you turn into this mcdonald’s

my uber, bumblebee: i can only do robot

She blinded me with science. Fine, it was mace, but she sprayed it very scientifically.

if speaking russian makes my b’s into v’s then soviet

Me: You can’t fire me!

My circus boss: Just get in the cannon

Never take legal advice from anyone named Sparkles.

Shattner didn’t go to Nimoy’s funeral, and Obama’s been on the phone all weekend with the Vulcan ambassador, trying to smooth things over.

I just accidentally swallowed a whole bunch of Scrabble tiles. My next shit could spell disaster.

Me: Do you have homework?

11: Do you know that the world is 23.3 trillion dollars in debt?

I eat the first half of a burrito to get full, I eat the second half to teach myself a lesson

how i like to believe my wife sees me when i get a jar open or kill a spider

I had two mice from the local church at my door last night.

They wanted to talk to me about cheeses

Amazon Tracking:

1. We’re not sure it exists.

2. Your package has arrived.

Sometimes you don’t realize how much you say “ooh la la” till they play your 911 call on the local news

The Avengers greatest superpower is the ability to find a time they could all meet

Am I afraid of the dark? No. Will I exit a basement after turning off the lights at normal speed? There is no amount of money in the world.

I stand out like a peanut in a turd.

“It’s 3am and everyone is asleep. Must run into random rooms as fast as I can and jump on everything” – cats

[first day as an Orderly]

*gets fired for disorderly conduct*

[On a date]
Him: I love a woman with a sense of humor, I’m a sucker for a good pun.
Me: omg same. lol Jeremy if you were sliced up into little pieces and soaked in coffee liqueur and then layered between ladyfingers you’d be a jeramisu.
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: jeramisu

that time I was high af and thought I laid an egg

Seeing my kids getting along, laughing, and peacefully playing together is the best fourteen seconds of my day.

Wife: I don’t think those fireworks look safe to use-

Me: [lighting fireworks] who you think I’m gonna believe? You, or Six-Fingered Pete?

Dear life:

If you’re gonna stick me with pimples at my age please give back my old body, my old mind, and most importantly my old Mustang.

SURVIVAL TIP: IF LOST IN THE WOODS, BUILD A SHELTER. THE TAX COLLECTOR WILL BE THERE SHORTLY.

First date the man should pick up the bill. In the absence of a bill look for William instead.