My neighbor killed the grass in my yard so now I have to go and be all Lawn Wick on his garden gnomes
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What’s the statute of limitations when you think of a comeback for an insult? Please say 17 years.
what if superman felt the same way about kryptonite as dogs do about chocolate, and people always had to shoo him away from it like, “no, no kryptonite for you, bad superman”
Me: excuse me, but I can’t taste the alcohol
Clerk: all smoothies are non alcoholic here.
Me: YOU SHOULDN’T CALL YOURSELF A BAR THEN!
my future husband is probably fake laughing at his girlfriends Iame jokes rn. be patient king, a true clown is on the way.
me: dating is hard
me on a date: the platypus doesn’t have teats so they sweat milk
How’s homeschooling going?
I just failed grade 5 math.
Again.
Maybe if y’all stopped complaining about Mondays and speaking the negativity into existence, your Mondays wouldn’t be so bad
Doing the New York Times crossword puzzle in pen means you’re smart unless you’re doing it on an iPad.
Whoever came up with the name wallpaper really nailed it.
Oh and I’d like to thank autocorrect for changing “Thanks for the good info” to “Thanks for the fool info”
[before Toto]
Rain down in Africa: *sneezes*
If cereals for kids have toys inside, cereals for adults should have prizes that adults like inside. Raisin Bran should have a pair of ear plugs at the bottom. Grape Nuts should come with a two-pack of advil.
Me: mic is short for microphone
My kid: so my uncle’s name is Microphone?!
Tonight’s special:
Hummus-fed pigeon leg, rolled in coffee grinds, served on a bed of fresh lawn clippings
$105– Fancy restaurants
Don’t let him know you’re a hologram. Don’t let him know you’re a hologram.
Interviewer: You’ve got the job!
*extends hand*Me: Dammit
#AsAKidIHated getting my temperature taken 🤣😬🤬
mike tyson’s full name is mike thank you son
Really glad that ventriloquism has made fisting mainstream.
A Peeping Tom was hospitalized after falling out of a tree. Appropriately in the ICU.
How many coworkers have to ask you “what’s that pee smell” before you admit you’re wearing a new cologne?
Is it four? Please say it’s four.
[ quarantine, day 46 ]
me: this boredom is unbearable
my cat: ffs have you even tried getting into a box too smol for you
police: what are your names?
caspar: don’t tell em, linhardt!
police: so, linhardt…
linhardt: nice one, caspar
police: and caspar…
Obi-wan: *holding baby* Let’s make her a famous princess
Droid: What about the other baby?
Obi-wan:*shrugs* Dump him in a desert somewhere
CIVIL ENGINEER: ok let’s build stuff.
UNCIVIL ENGINEER: *smashes popsicle stick bridge*
peter parker, bitten by radio-active spider: *donates $65 to NPR*
Just once I’d like to run into Kanye and refer to him as Kanye Davidson just to see his head explode.
Coworker: What was your college major?
Me: How to avoid student-loan debt, with a minor in teen pregnancy.
This day in history. 2008. The entire staff of the Canadian Oxford Dictionary was fired. Now damned if I know if it’s moustache or mustache.
Jesus: *picks up bread* this is my body
Jesus: *picks up wine* this is my blood
Jesus: *picks up eggplant* i think we allll know what this is lol yea
ME: I just crossed into Arizona from California & was on standard time for 15 hrs but you don’t move the clocks here so I lost an hour gained it back & will lose it again when I leave tomorrow.
AZ STATE TROOPER: You were doing 85 in a 70.
ME: That won’t happen until yesterday.