My neighbor killed the grass in my yard so now I have to go and be all Lawn Wick on his garden gnomes
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Went on a date once.
He ordered for me, “She’ll have a small side salad.”
I said, “Yes, and a side of sirloin and a loaded baked potato.”
Me: *picks up regular store brand item instead of economy store brand item*
My family: what’s the occasion?
I wish I could get my coworker to stop texting me the reasons why she isn’t coming to work
[talking to bouncer]
Me:let me in
Bouncer: not after last time
Me:would a Washington convince you?
Bouncer: no
George Washington: c’mon man
[Child reading their story to the class]
& there was a virus all over the world & some people died & everyone wore masks & kept 6ft away & everyone stayed home & all schools were shut & there was no loo roll.
The End
Teacher: that’s great but try to be realistic next time
He-man has a Masters degree
I would be a bad fish.
Fishermen would be like, “omg i’m so ugly” and I’d take the bait and disagree, instead of swimming away.
I stood here for an hour then I gave up and went home.
I was dismissed from my responsibilities as church usher because I kept using finger guns to point out available seats.
* pew pew *
me: onion rings and a bottle of wine for the table
waiter: white or red
me: *trying to impress my date* whichever onion the chef prefers
“of course i’ve had a girlfriend before you guys. i know what i’m doing!!” *types “what do girlfriends eat” into google*
Do not levitate over flowers
STUDENT: Is there anything I can do to get my grade up?
TEACHER: {biting lip} There may be one thing.
ME: {sitting on couch mouthful of popcorn} Make him retake the class!
[father & son looking up at the night sky—observing starlight from millions of yrs ago] son, the most important thing in this world is money
The Batcave was 14 miles outside of Gotham City. Close enough for Batman to fight crime, far enough away for Bruce Wayne to avoid ridiculous tax rates.
6: you’re going 75
Me: I am, but it’s the speed limit
6: that’s 7 groups of ten and 5 ones. That’s almost 100!
Me: …please don’t tell your teacher I was going almost 100 on the highway
{Horses on a road trip passing my house}
HORSE 1: *Points at me in my yard* Human.
Passwords:
Outlook- work1234
Aol- kidsnames
home alarm- anniversary
Twitter- supercalifragilist{middlename}espialido{graduationyear}cious
Whenever I read a sexual tweet I already know the “not you” is implied.
Daughter: Alexa play Let it Go.
Me: when I was your age I had to call the radio station, wait on hold for 30 mins to request a song, then sit by my boom box for an hour with a blank cassette tape for my song to play so I could record it.
Daughter: I don’t know what that means.
Barbie’s head is in the refrigerator. Ken swears a “giant child” did it. The police shrug and slap handcuffs on Ken and lead him away.
My superpower- Finding shortest checkout line that takes the most time.
when you don’t want to be too vague
getting v. tired of living inside an interesting part of next century’s history textbooks
I know so many people with cats and only a tiny number of them went to a shelter and picked out a cat.
Everyone else I know with a cat has a story that’s like “yeah he just moved in.”
when i donate my body to science, they’ll be like ok do we have any other options?
I just saw an article titled “Can We build a Real Jurassic Park?”
DID YOU FORGET WHAT HAPPENED IN THE MOVIE?!
All I’m saying is, no word’s meaning changes more as you age than the word party.
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.