Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Yeah sex is great, but have you ever rubbed your eyes for a really long time? O. M. G.

So glad that Halloween isn’t on Friday the 13th this year because that would be so 2020 am I right?

4 dudes 1 kickflip #Skateboarding #skatetwitter

To answer your question: No, I’ve never been sought after, but I did once confuse a man’s intentions toward my lasagna as being sought after so I married him.

Me: I drink vodka mainly because of my Russian roots

Him: You don’t have Russian roots

Me: *cracks open to reveal a slightly smaller me inside*

#FeaturesIWishMyHouseHad
Wish it had walls

just bought $250 worth of there’s nothing to eat

6 year olds be like my best friend is Kevin and Charlie and Emma and Amy and Zach, lol stfu and go learn about superlatives, Tommy.

If you want to mess with a pompous English major, tell him you’re “flustrated.”

Whenever I feel guilty about buying another book, I like to remind myself that I just purchased 1-5 years of that person’s life for 26 dollars.

Dentist: Any sensitivities?

Me: I don’t like being called names

Dentist: I meant your teeth, dummy

Me: *tearing up* Dude

Scientists: The impending climate crisis will be the darkest most frightening episode in human history.

Me, who loves Netflix documentaries: Damn that’s gonna be good.

Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.

Bacardi, no sugar is how I take my coffee.

Officer: do you know why I pulled you over

Me: the warrant probably

Officer: you have a broken… what

Me: what

Hello 911, something is wrong with my teenager and he won’t tell me what it is

[ Mt. Everest camp ]

First climber: hey where’s your buddy?

Second climber: idk he must have gotten up on the wrong side of bed.

My 3-year-old was supposed to dress up as a star for the Christmas pageant.

She threw a fit and demanded a different costume.

Now there are three wise men and one Power Ranger.

AMERICAN: *talking like it’s no big deal* Yeah I had to drive 47 hours to get home for thanksgiving

ME: *living in UK* If I drive in one direction for 20 minutes I fall into the sea

Me, filling out a gym membership: I dropped my pen. Can I have another?

Trainer: Can’t you just pick that one up?

Me: If I were in good enough shape to go around picking up pens all willy nilly I wouldn’t be here

Don’t worry if she spells out “I’m fine!” in lighter fluid on your front lawn, but if she lights it… she is definitely lying.

If each day is a gift, I’d like to discuss the return policy.

You can tell my friends are younger and don’t have kids because I just got this text:

Are you free this Saturday night? Come over for my birthday dinner! Wear velvet

My friend is addicted to interventions and I don’t know how to help him.

Cauliflower crust is the answer to the question pizza never asked.

When someone says “We can still be friends” after a break up it’s like saying…”The dog died but can we still keep it?”

every pillow ad now is just them hurling shit like bowling balls at the product and acting like it means something. “see how poorly our competitors deflect this Olympian’s shot put?” great point, i’ll keep your product in mind if i go completely insane

The doctor said working puzzles would keep Grandma’s mind sharp. She’s been in the corn maze going on four days, so that remains to be seen.

I’ll never understand why the guy that invented braille didn’t just put the dots in shape of the actual letters.

Me: Mark from Boston, you’re on the air.
Therapist: You pretend to be a radio host to avoid confrontation.
M: Let’s take another call.