My neighbor mentioned that her husband has baby soft feet, and don’t think I’m not going to bring that up every time I see him from now on.
You Might Also Like
At least I can say I tried. I didn’t try, but I can say I did.
Friend: Are you free this weekend?
Me: That’s not how this works. First you tell me what you had in mind and then I respond with either a “yeah” or a dishonest excuse
Pretty majorly caught up in this whole Olympics thing.. ran up the stairs earlier.
Day 18 of lock down. Filled the dog with helium.
*Approaches girl at bar*
Brain: Say you like her eyes. No, hair. Actually, go for eyes!
Me: You have lovely hairy eyes
Brain: My bad.
a bird blows up trying to match princess fiona’s vocal range and then fiona eats the bird’s eggs for breakfast. shrek was wild.
My Girlfriend wanted a cat. I didn’t want a cat. So we compromised and we got a cat…
Why isn’t Spiderman’s greatest enemy named Shoeman?
Geppetto: So, I know this is literally the first day you’re alive, but Imma need you to go to school
Pinocchio: WTF, dude?
Can’t. Have to go tighten all the jar lids so I feel useful tomorrow when my chef sister comes cook
where do y’all wanna go tonight? Bars? The club?
“THE BOG OF DESPAIR”
Gary, after the forest of skulls debacle you don’t get to pick anymore
I’m at the point in life where if a girl dresses up in a french maid outfit I’d be more happy if she actually just cleaned my house for me..
*brings laser pointer to the “Cats” movie*
[Facebook post]
Wife: Decorating with the fam and listening to holiday music #blessed[real life]
Wife: QUIT THROWING THE GODDAMN ORNAMENTS AT YOUR BROTHER
I’m at BJs if anyone needs 500 tampons, a vat of mayonnaise, or a gazebo hmu.
If you want to romance me, take me to a nice restaurant with good climate control, but not too fancy. I want to wear my jeans and sneakers. Ok just take me to McDonald’s. It’s my second home.
Hotel pillows are the proof that God is angry with us.
I was talking to someone and combined “all good” and “no worries” by saying “all worries”. Which was a lot more accurate.
I’m surprised Cinderella didn’t become a psycho killer because I’ve seen some bitches go batshit crazy when they’ve lost a shoe.
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Girl: I don’t drink.
Me: Then can I just give you $7.50 to talk with me for a few minutes?
Boss: It’s almost quitting time. Drinks?
Me: In my top desk drawer. Help yourself.
Boss:…
My husband just got to level three on netflix: “faking an illness” to finish binge watching
I’m on level 6: “faking your own abduction”
It’s almost summer and I’m only three stomach flus and a couple tapeworms away from my beach body!!!
[Planning a heist]
ME: Did you scope the place out?
PARTNER: Yes, they have two armed guards
ME: So we’re evenly matched in terms of limbs
I don’t get Twitter drama! I’m here to make friends, not argue
Me, 30 seconds later:
Evolution saved Big Bird from fitting in a mine.
I can fix him.
Waiter: Are you finished?
ME: First of all, there’s still like 3 fries left.
He stole my heart, so I stole his last name. Is the slogan of a very famous body parts and new ID shop in Mexico.