My neighbor mentioned that her husband has baby soft feet, and don’t think I’m not going to bring that up every time I see him from now on.
You Might Also Like
This transition of power reminds me of when my grandma turned over Thanksgiving duties to my mom and the night ended with police showing up.
Well, shit
*does Basic Instinct leg cross*
*remembers I’m wearing jeans*
as someone who lives on earth rising sea levels are alarming. But as someone who has always wanted to be a mermaid? I’m intrigued
Yoplait
I plait
We all plait for foreplait.
I ran into one of my students at the grocery store with some wine in my cart and he said “that’s because of us isn’t it?”
My sex life is like Coca-Cola; first it was normal, then light and now zero.
MOM: putting him in sports was a bad idea
DAD: yup
ME (in right field wearing my cup on my face): hey coach look at me I’m Bane lol
By the end of their life, everyone will have appeared in at least two Fast & Furious movies
We can’t do civil war yet. I don’t have the right outfit.
I wish I had the determination of my wife who’s still flipping through radio stations as we pull into our driveway.
In the mornings lately I find evidence of carrots or celery in my daughter’s bed from her late night snacking and I’ve never been more concerned that she might not be mine
❤Missed connection❤
You were the street magician who pointed at me and asked me to shout out the name of a card
I was the guy in the red shirt who panicked and shouted out “PIKACHU” whilst you rolled your eyes
Every Independence Day I get a little bit disappointed when aliens don’t try to take over the world.
“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up
Wife: WHY are the boys wearing fishnet stockings?
Me: You SAID they needed to learn how to Cher.
the fridge is too full so now i’m stuck here drinking all the wine
[the city, seeing a marching band]
DAD: Son when you grow up, would you be the savior of the broken, the beaten and the damned?
ME: i’m 6
me, doing piggyback rides with daughter: isn’t this fun?
her: *out of breath* dad ur like super heavy
7 years ago today I swallowed gum….. and now we wait
My favorite self defense technique is to not let someone draw me into a fight.
the average person eats three spiders a year, but as you’re about to find out, it takes an entire year for three spiders to eat a person
Kid: Dad, what does ironic mean?
Dad: Well son, when 2 people decide to get married on Independence Day…..
my kids are fillibustering the hell out of this bedtime
How weird was the first robber to wear pantyhose on his face
Me: *violently swinging a stick* these piñatas are getting harder to hit
Zip line park owner: Hello 911? He’s back again
Consistent as a McDonald’s ice cream machine
I told my American cousin this is what police cars in Scotland sound like
“I Got a new dress for date night!”
Hub: Thats sexy! I like the zipper going down the front *winks*
“This is the garment bag you idiot”
*pokes head out of dressing room*
uh yeah, i can’t find a single bottle of ranch in here