My neighbor must be having a rough day. I caught her sneaking out her bathroom window while I was sneaking out my bathroom window.
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Me: I don’t know what to do on my date
Friend: show her some local culture[later]
Date: hi
Me: *holds out hands* look at this yogurt
babe what’s wrong you haven’t moved an inch in six months and you smell really bad
ME: Should I sneeze into my hand?
DOCTOR: No, sneeze into your elbow
ME: Can I shake hands with people?
DOCTOR: No, bump elbows with them
ME: …
DOCTOR: …
ME: …
DOCTOR: Let me get back to you on that last one
Congratulations on being hired by Super Cuts & welcome to day 1 training.
Let’s get started
These are called scissors
*collective aww*
Practicing safe sax
me: can we discuss my crippling fear of elephants?
therapist: i’m all ears
me: *screaming*
To impress the guys I told them I was dating an artist. I didn’t tell them her preferred medium was sandwiches.
“My dog’s learning to speak a foreign language.”
“Español?”
“No, he’s a labrador.”
guys PLEEEAAASEEE does anyone have the original pic of this thread it’s been on my mind for 2 days now
Toddler: *crawling across the desert*
Kind stranger: *offers water*
Toddler: No, red cup!
My 3 year old wants 3 cookies because he’s 3. So I’m having 36.
I get why polyamory is so popular in California. It takes 3 incomes to survive and 4 to have nice things.
When you feel unsuccessful, keep in mind that there are professional Bigfoot hunters.
Who taught this was a good idea? The backbreaker.
My kids trying to pick up the name brand hamburger buns like they think we are millionaires or something
If the police don’t escort you out of Applebees then is it really a good date?
Babysitting is a way for teenagers to feel like adults while adults go out to feel like teenagers.
waiter: soooo do you have any room for dessert?
me (frantically moving chairs and tables out of the way): idk,,, how big is this f***en cake?
My ex husband went to buy a lotto ticket & never came back, I guess he won, haven’t see him in over 20 years
[date]
Her: “Well, the horoscopes pretty much govern my life, I’m a sagittarius, what are you?”
Me: *halfway out the door* “Educated.”
ghosts in movies are stupid if i was a ghost id be in the bahamas but they’re just like “lets stay here and move pots and pans”
Y’all wanna hear something funny?
Lol me too
HIM: whatcha thinkin’ about?
ME: *thinking about how polar ice caps are melting yet Santa still gives naughty children coal instead of a clean, renewable resource alternative* …oh, nuthin’
Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes
Apparently people will pay to be subjected to medieval torture devices if you call the place a “gym.”
you’re supposed to store treasure in your cleavage that’s why it’s called a chest.
Me: My friend is having a birthday party for his dog.
Her: How old is he?
Me: (Sigh) Too old to be having a birthday party for his dog….
Friend: “I’m breaking up with my boyfriend. He acts like a savage.”
Me: “Fred or Ben?”
there are no buff wizards in Harry Potter, no gym in Hogwarts, no-one does a push-up at any point. I could crack Ron Weasley’s spine like a glowstick
Does anyone need a pen? I just went through a few drawers and it turns out we have ALL of them.