My neighbor must be having a rough day. I caught her sneaking out her bathroom window while I was sneaking out my bathroom window.

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I hate self-promotional people. They’re so into themselves they probably don’t even realize I have a new album available on iTunes now


Saw a bird at my feeder shit on another bird’s head and that bird just kept right on eating. I’ve never before felt this close to nature.


[being murdered at work]
Me: *being murdered*
Murderer: *murdering me*
Boss: let me know how I can help

(it is unclear who he’s talking to)


Someone rang my doorbell twice this morning, so I guess I’m having lunch behind the couch.


[walks date home]

HER: Wanna come up for a nightcap?

ME: I gotta work early

HER: I have 2 dogs

ME:[already running up stairs like Rocky]


Therapist: How would you describe your relationship with your wife?

Me: She told me to tell you it’s fine


7YO: When did I get inside mommy’s tummy?

Me: June 9 2012 right after I made coffee and for the first time, mommy saw me put the jar back in the cabinet


Me: *drops toddler off at gym daycare*

DC: Which room will you be working out in?

Me: None of them, I just need to take a shower.