My neighbor must be having a rough day. I caught her sneaking out her bathroom window while I was sneaking out my bathroom window.
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Lady: he’s so mysterious
Lady2: I wonder what he’s thinking
[Me, just wondering how easy it’d be to convert a nerf gun to fire meatballs]
[making money] Ugh this is boring and awful. But at least spending it will be nice!
[spending money] Ah no this feels bad also
FUN FACT:
Scientists have proven, there IS in fact life outside the United States.
My wife wouldn’t let me sling shot candy at trick or treaters tonight.
This is bullshit.
[Coworker] Are you smiling at your stapler?
No, just checking for spinach [Laughs nervously].
Oh, good.
[Me, to stapler] Sorry baby I had to
advice: describing someone’s cupcakes as being “better than sex” is only a compliment if you aren’t sleeping with them
A new study says eating sugar will kill you and was conducted by the No Shit Sherlock Research Institute.
No wonder chickens can’t fly
STOP EATING THEIR WINGS
Roses are red
Violets are blue…
I found a baggie of coke while out walking my dogs. I knew adopting the retired police K-9 would pay off.
I feel like I should give my air conditioner a plaque for employee of the month.
It takes two months to get fat and two years to get in shape.
Science is a lie.
My teenage son Filbert was ejected from the Young Republicans for naming his pet lizard Bernie Salamanders. You bet your buns he’s grounded.
Confuse your enemy by leapfrogging them
“Oh hi, you’re home early”
ME: My New Year’s resolution is to eat less
WIFE: Good!
ME: (very, very quietly) …vegetables.
[strangers in goat masks dance around a bonfire as I’m being tied to a wooden stake] It’s getting pretty late guys, I should probably head out
DAD: mommy and I are just having a little fight
KID: are you…gonna get a divorce?
DAD: damn, that thought never occurred to me. That’s a good idea
[park]
STRANGER: Your dog is unusual lookingME: Yeah, he’s interbred
DUCK: [waddles up] I’ll tell you who else is into bread
FRIEND:
If you could be there for one moment in time that you’ve only read about in books, or seen in pictures, what would it be? I would have liked to be at the signing of the Declaration of Independence. How about you?ME:
Hold on, I’ll show you.
Hell hath no fury like an old lady scolding you for going in the wrong direction down a one-way aisle at the grocery store.
Things I’ve Said On The Phone This Week
“Sorry. I’m heavy-breathing because I’m trying to stake a canopy”
“The shell of a turtle is basically the turtle’s rib cage. A turtle cannot be dragged out of its shell.”
“Please. Don’t ask questions. Just take some zucchini.”
PLEASE DO NOT SUMMON WHEAT THINS FROM THE TOILET
I would watch Real Housewives if it was like Game of Thrones and they would occasionally and suddenly behead one of the main characters.
“Can I buy you a drink?”
“I’d rather just have the money”
Inflation has gotten so bad, the 7-Eleven changed its name to the 9-Thirteen.
[my daughter asks for her 2nd apple of the day] oh look it’s the apple monster *fun growl sounds*
DAUGHTER: daddy does God ever go hunting
My trainer told me to get on all fours and I got excited until she said now do tricep extensions.
{yard full of boys}
*pointing at milkshakeExterminator: there’s your problem
Executioner: last words?
Me: pop
Executioner: we say soda here
Me:
Executioner: say soda
Warden: bro it’s LAST words he won’t-
Executioner: I’M NOT PULLING TIL HE SAYS SODA