I hate self-promotional people. They’re so into themselves they probably don’t even realize I have a new album available on iTunes now
My neighbor must be having a rough day. I caught her sneaking out her bathroom window while I was sneaking out my bathroom window.
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Saw a bird at my feeder shit on another bird’s head and that bird just kept right on eating. I’ve never before felt this close to nature.
[being murdered at work]
Me: *being murdered*
Murderer: *murdering me*
Boss: let me know how I can help
(it is unclear who he’s talking to)
Someone rang my doorbell twice this morning, so I guess I’m having lunch behind the couch.
Maybe installing Freudian Autocorrect was not the breast idea.
[walks date home]
HER: Wanna come up for a nightcap?
ME: I gotta work early
HER: I have 2 dogs
ME:[already running up stairs like Rocky]
Therapist: How would you describe your relationship with your wife?
Me: She told me to tell you it’s fine
Me: Throw in a few extra this time.
Pharmacist: We’ve talked about this.
7YO: When did I get inside mommy’s tummy?
Me: June 9 2012 right after I made coffee and for the first time, mommy saw me put the jar back in the cabinet
Me: *drops toddler off at gym daycare*
DC: Which room will you be working out in?
Me: None of them, I just need to take a shower.