My neighbor must be having a rough day. I caught her sneaking out her bathroom window while I was sneaking out my bathroom window.
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Wife: Your life insurance premium paid up?
Me: Yeah.
Wife: Good.
Me: Why?
Wife: No reason.
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: Here, taste this.
I bought one of those bodybuilding spray tan machines so I look like mahogany furniture year round
[overhears wife complaining about me on phone] he’s always overreacting and making a mess
*spits chocolate milk everywhere* ARE YOU SERIOUS?
Who called them Underpants ?
And not ‘Man Hole’ Covers?
Whenever I put on makeup, I do a sign of the cross on my forehead with my foundation and I’ll tell myself “Bless this mess.”
The CDC says it’s a small boulder the size of a large boulder.
I don’t watch the news because anchors don’t shuffle papers anymore
im about to go on a date. im sure it will be perfectly normal and wont go viral or anything…
My 4yo asserts dominance by aggressively putting snacks in my hand so she can take dance breaks
[table of 6 year olds in lab coats]
How are we supposed to find a cure for cooties if we
*bangs fist on table*
CAN’T EVEN FIND WALDO?!
I hate to brag but I’ve been the biggest mistake of numerous people’s lives.
Now that people ignore word meanings and say they haven’t done/seen/whatever something “in a minute” when they actually mean anything from a week to thirty years, I’m going to take that concept in the other direction and describe small time periods as “several millenia.”
The cure to missing someone is just remembering what an asshole they really were.
People wonder why I move to a new place every couple years. The truth is, I’m being chased by a snail with a grenade and a vendetta.
Him: I’d like to hear you scream.
Me: *screams like a banshee*
I bumped into a cute guy today.
I clawed his face off.
I should work on my people skills.
i’m sorry i didn’t text you back i’m really busy watching the wolf of wall street in the form of two minute clips on tik tok
Named my band Scheduled for Demolition so whenever it appears on a marquee, confused people write angry letters to the city council.
HULK WANT LOAN
Bank: We can’t loan to people like you.
GREEN PEOPLE??
*flips table into moon*Bank: People owing 2.6B in property damage.
[2:30AM]
*it’s quite late now. Let’s make a call*
*Hey Boss, are you sleepin?*
[Yes you nerd, why?]
*cause I’m still doing your stupid work*
[insect crime scene]
ant detective: do you have any suspects?
ant detective2: no, but I’m starting with that nervous tick
I just bought a couple of Christmas presents and got a text from my bank like, “Bro, what are you doing?”
skinning your knee as an adult is so humiliating. that’s the toddler injury
me: wow Pokemon names are getting more and more ridiculous, don’t you think so?
taco bell employee: *nods* taco bell employee
My dog just winked at me, and now I’m wondering just exactly what the two of us are keeping from the rest of the family.
You can’t hurt me. You aren’t an empty bag of Reese’s.
Fun Fact: the average group of 4 yr olds can take up to 7 years to break open a piñata.
Don’t quote me on this, but I’m pretty sure the guy who invented ice fishing must’ve REALLY hated his wife.
me: no thanks I’m a vegan
person handing me a baby: what