My neighbor once dropped off a bag of lemons and a bottle of vodka on my doorstep in the middle of the night, with no explanation.
I think about this often.
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toothpaste ads are like do you want your teeth to look so good it makes your friends feel like shit? and ppl be like hell yeah i do
*I enter the bank and draw a weapon*
Teller: holy shit
Me: what
Teller: you suck at art
(strolls into men’s warehouse)
yes, and hello and how much to
keep all my mens here
We only use 10% of our brains because the other 90% is busy regretting saying “You too!” to a waiter after he said “Enjoy your meal.”
Me: (checks Duolingo to see if there’s a lesson plan to learn the new weird slang my middle school kid uses unironically on a regular basis)
They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about glassblowing
*receives a monthly bill*
didn’t i just pay this last month??
Oh boy, I am desperate!
My bowels do churn.
Too many tacos!
I never will learn.
Pardon me, Sir!
I believe it’s my turn.– Horton Has to Poo
Why did they call it bacon fat and not oinkment omg I’m so sorry
I feel so alive when I watch an object fall and shatter into hundreds of pieces. Not alive enough to clean up the mess though.
smh
People assume I am stupid because I am nice and smiley and a helper and that’s working out for me so why fight it
Shout out to the top 5 ain’ts in the world, no mountain high enough, no valley low enough, too proud to beg, no sunshine when she’s gone and afraid of no ghosts.
[listening to twenty one pilots]
ME: ok ok one at a time
When you have to use a public restroom.
I am a fountain of wisdom for those who thirst for knowledge.
Radiohead fans, this is for you.
Taking a break from my mental health to focus on Twitter
#WhenIWasYourAge: We had to open all doors by ourselves. None of them knew we were coming.
British people
Going on a trip to see a regular canyon. I feel like the Grand Canyon is trying too hard.
When my wife forgets to fill up the fishtank I lower the ceiling a few inches every day until she remembers.
Question: You know how cocky you need to be to put a billboard up for an establishment that is nearly 600 miles away in the opposite direction?
Answer: You need to be Buc-ees-level cocky.
⛽️ 🦫
Learning how to break wooden boards in karate is important in case you ever get in a fight with a house.
me: [pooping in a basket]
hot air balloon pilot: ok everyone out.
Do we have a gender neutral pronoun yet?
Another way they could improve cricket is by having seven to eight golden retrievers on the pitch at all times
*Brings an ukulele to a gun fight.