My neighbor once dropped off a bag of lemons and a bottle of vodka on my doorstep in the middle of the night, with no explanation.
I think about this often.
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the skeleton manning the ship inside of my brain is trying to push my brain out of my head and replace it with a rock. i might let him
Women’s deodorant: Spring Breeze, Lilac, Gentle Sunshine.
Men’s deodorant: Sport, Mountain, Forest Fire, Rage, Fistfight, Childhood Angst.
The first of Jay-Z’s 99 problems is the obsessive compulsive disorder that requires him to know his precise number of problems at all times.
When did they decide that every razor had to look like a piece that fell off a Transformer?
Ninjas owed people money. You don’t get that good at hiding without owing people money.
Kids, make sure you learn how to use a protractor in case one day you’re a teacher & have to show kids how to use a protractor.
Was testing the fire alarms in the house, and all the kids wandered out of their bedrooms thinking dinner was ready.
[being held back by fireman as i try to run back in the house during earthquake]
“MY ETCH A SKETCHES”
I got you a new pair of cement shoes!
Go ahead, try em on real quick…
Fun to hear newscasters, while their chopper hovers over an active crime scene, scold people “the last thing the police need is spectators”
Me: if it’s a boy let’s call him Barry
Her: ok
Waiter: good evening
Me: good evening Barry
*has hiccups for 30 seconds*
MY LIFE IS PURE SHIT
My 7YO was coloring in her room on her desk, now I’m wiping off the paint from every part of the house
My cat flicked a spider in my face just now. Soon as I finish screaming it’s time for me to go to bed
If you thought the Dalai Lama giggled alot, then you obviously never met the Mwahaharajah
People get upset when you bring a karaoke machine to a funeral.
Waiter: How is the chicken?
Me: Not great. I think he might be dead.
“Oh really? Sorry, my emails have been acting funny lately”
They haven’t.
My superpower is morphing my political views to align perfectly with whoever is driving my Uber.
When you take your relationship with your Roomba to the next level.
Roombae.
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes, now I have Heinz sight
[talking with ex]
Me: Is he more boring than me?
Her: He is.
Me: *devastated* How could you?
when my wife is giving birth then the baby pops out and steals the hotdog i’m eating
Please, sir. Your gold chain is too arousing.
Salesman: That’s our best selling couch.
Me: *sits* *bounces*
Salesman: What do you think?
Me: *grinning* Sofa so good.
Salesman: Please leave.
If ur a guy riding on a motorcycle with another guy, it’s best to sit facing each other. 1 man mounted behind another that just looks bad
Finished stitching this today 😇
My son made the mistake of telling me I was being overdramatic so I just changed the WiFi password.
We’ll see who’s overdramatic in about 2 minutes.
One reason I love learning other languages is you find out there’s one culture that has a word for like, “the feeling you’re going to put someone else’s silverware away incorrectly and alcohol is a factor” and you get to wonder why that became necessary to express so concisely
Mr. Potato Head is not doing well. Tuberculosis.