My neighbor once told me when I straightened my hair I looked like Jennifer Aniston, two days later he was taken away in a straight jacket. I think about that a lot.
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My dead husband has to report for jury duty. He just can’t catch a break.
Me: I’ll cook
Fire department arriving 7mins later: Jesus Christ, again?
I fondly remember my days as a younger man when I didn’t care what the weather was going to do
Alien Leader: “Your species is too dumb and sad to take over. We’re just gonna leave.”
Me: “More like alie-outs.”
Alien Leader: “On second thought…”
*zaps me dead with lasers*
Whole world: “That’s fine, no hard feelings.”
Me trying to fit a 4 finger kitkat in my mouth because I’ve just heard one of the kids approaching
Netflix: Should I play this movie?
Me: No no I’m just looking at it for a second
Netflix: I’ll put it on
Me: I’m just literally reading what it is
Netflix: It’s playing 🙂
[first day on SWAT team]
SWAT #1: The target is inside.
SWAT #2: Let’s break down the door.
ME: I got this… [knocks] “GIRL SCOUT COOKIES!”<door flies open>
I wish airlines would stop apologizing for being delayed. I’m an adult, I know you don’t give a shit. I’d rather read “ehh some shit happened, it’s gonna be late”
no, no… I don’t want to be a burden
– me being a total burden
My friend: Have you ever tripped on mushrooms?
Me: Yeah I’m very clumsy
Me: how long are you gonna sit there picking your nose? I tried to be polite but this is absurd
Potato Head: I want to look good on my date
[murder scene]
Snail detective 1-He left a decent trail
SD2- Let’s track him down
*10 hours later*
SD1-Damn that guy is fast
How long do you have to go without sex before you’re officially a virgin again?
Asking for me, I don’t have any friends.
Fridge smart enough to tell me l left the door open but too lаzy to just close it for me. Worthless.
[on a rollercoaster with my cat]
Me: Are you having fun, buddy?
Cat: *has already fallen out of the seat*
Have kids so instead of just having a peaceful morning you can argue with your 3 y/o about why he can’t lock his younger brother outside in the rain.
My younger brother has a PhD in material engineering, and I do stand up comedy which to be fair is also material engineering
I was told that I could have anything as long as I applied myself, but the loan officer at my bank begs to differ.
The two wolves inside me just ordered pizza
I just heard an economist say she believes a lot of people have “pent up savings” from the pandemic like she’s never heard of Amazon.
America: Japanese ads are extremely weird
Also America: *airs commercials about toilet paper obsessed bears that are constantly shitting*
I don’t think this app is working properly, I’m like barely getting any matches.
Him: You smell nice. What is that?
Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops
You catch more flies with honey, even more with a dead body and way more with honey on a dead body.
ME: [Consoling my friend, whose dog has been missing for 3 weeks] It’s ok, I’m taking good care of her.
HIM: What?
ME: What?
I’m working out again in hopes that I can wear my superhero shirt in public without someone saying, “Batman really let himself go”.
Ha
My husband sent me a text using just emojis and it’s weird, you would think he would know by now that I don’t even like eggplant.
We didn’t start the fire
It was always burning
Since the world’s been turning—my thighs lying about the friction this summer
[CRIME SCENE]
COP:
This looks like lead poisoning to me!PENCIL:
*Tugs nervously at his collar*