My neighbor once told me when I straightened my hair I looked like Jennifer Aniston, two days later he was taken away in a straight jacket. I think about that a lot.
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I’m not saying that asking your kids to clean will always make things worse, but I asked my 4yo to clean his muddy shoes and found him standing naked in a full bathtub polishing them with his toothbrush
Jack: I want to be nimble
Genie: ok
Jack: and also quick
Genie: ok those are the same thin-
Jack: last but not least I want to jump as high as a candle
Me: WHO DREW ON THE WALL?!
4-year-old:
2-year-old:
4-year-old:
2-year-old:
4-year-old: The dog.
I see your baker’s dozen and raise you a mom’s dozen (11 because you ate one when the kids weren’t looking)
Hey kids, for Halloween, let’s go to a spooooky place full of scaaaary, oppressive people & a guy who riiiises from the dead!
Kids: Church?
︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎
[commercial for string cheese] do you like cheese?
me: YES
“do you like string?”
me: yes?
Afraid to fly? It’s perfectly safe except that air traffic controllers are all gov’t employees forced to work the holidays.
Merry Xmas.
My billionaire can beat up your billionaire.
At this point in my life, the little angel on my shoulder just says “Oh this is gonna be good…” and starts munching popcorn.
I’ll bet cutting out gluten didn’t change your life as much as forgetting birth control changed mine.
*gets email*
-Do you want to chat with hot nineteen-year olds in your area?-
*responds*
“Can any of them help me with this iTunes update?”
“We’ve got to stop meeting like this,” I say to the neighbor’s cute golden retriever after climbing the fence to pet him.
Wait.
Did we ever figure out what it means when you match with your therapist on Tinder?
Middle-aged math is going out drinking and feeling half your age then waking up the next morning feeling twice your age.
If you start a sentence with “Let me reiterate…” I’m gonna ignore it the second time too.
I set my alarm clock 15 minutes fast because I enjoy doing math problems first thing in the morning,
I ran out of excuses to get out of family gatherings, so I moved out of state.
I miss the good ol’ days until I remember things like having to get out of my chair and smack the tv to get a clearer picture.
COME ON KRUSE #fencing
my love language is feeding you rotisserie chickens with my bare hands at 4am while you’re asleep.
cop: you’re coming with me
me: [being handcuffed] but i don’t even know you
cop: get in the car
me: will you take me to disneyland
cop: what do you think
me: maybe
H: I’m so tired of people making lame jokes about going into labor on Labor Day.
M: *slowly pulling pillow out of shirt* same
All women really want is to be treated like you treat your iPhone.
My microwave broke. So, we’re finding innovative alternatives. Did y’all know the surface on top of the oven heats up, too? Honest to God.
Watching a documentary on a murder in a small town and there was probably a total of 7 teeth among all the people that were interviewed.
911 OPERATOR: 911 what’s your emergency
ME: ok promise you won’t be mad
It’s amazing how a simple act of kindness can change my bad mood into a suspicious bad mood.
Parenthood can have it’s dark moments.
Like in this closet where I’m hiding eating my cake.
I just yelled “ACKNOWLEDGE MEEE!” at the automatic sensor in the sink faucet if anyone is wondering how stable I am today.