My neighbor put alarms in his yard designed to scare squirrels & rabbits but the alarms go off every 20 secs & it’s maddening. He thinks they’re a frequency humans can’t hear (he’s 90 & near deaf). I pulled the batteries & he can’t tell they’re off. Am I going to hell for this?
You know why I’ve never been murdered in my sleep? Because I leave a cheese plate out for murderers every night. It’s called hospitality maybe look it up sometime.
“I’m light-headed. I just need to eat.”
-my excuse for everything
Waiting in the coffee drive-thru line impatiently watching the driver in front of me chatting with the barista and my 12 y/o sighs and says, “C’mon, lady, she’s not your therapist, move along.” Never get between a middle school girl and her Frappuccino.
A guy I know just posted “I’m relaxing today, don’t bother me” on Facebook, and let me tell you: I was going to bother him but now I’m not
[Tattoo on nuts]
Caution: May contain people
blood is thicker than water, which is my secret to winning the annual county fair gravy contest every year
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: omg is anyone a doctor?
ME: *stands up confidently and turns to flight attendant* you forgot my Diet Coke
*Stands guard with scissors and tinsel*
Wait, you said “wrap battle”, right?
[freezing huddled around fire]
Dont worry I brought blankets to keep us warm *throws blankets on fire* that should last a good half hour
The best actress award goes to my 5YO for her performance as a hungry and deprived child just before her bedtime
Every news show is like “are you actually seeing what you’re seeing? We’ll ask an expert and a liar!”
When I had no money, I had few friends, but no enemies
Btw, I still have no money, in case you were thinking of becoming my friend or enemy
Shout out to Marco Polo for inventing finding people
Why let people drive you crazy when you know it’s in walking distance?
Who needs an Air Fryer?
Roe v Wade is my favorite bitter controversy about the best way to cross a small river.
According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m a family of 8.
Did you just call me a boombox? Eugh that’s such a stereotype
If you actually call it junk drawer you’ll stop putting stuff in it and another drawer becomes official junk drawer
today, on father’s day, i’m thinking about how my dad escaped three wars and worked as a janitor only to see his bloodline die out bc his son discovered menswear forums and spent the next 20 years arguing about pants
Grab and smash, smash and grab such is time spent in a mammogram
Librarian: Shhh!
Me: Shh!
Librarian: Shh!
Me: Shh!
Librarian: *glares at me*
Me: Look lady, I can do this all day.
It’s all fun and games until you accidentally stab a space monk
*turns up my TV to drown out the couple fighting next door
*hears the word “sex”
*turns down my TV
*runs Baywatch style through Wendy’s drive-thru*
My “Savings Account” is just several pairs of unwashed jeans on the floor that may or may not still have change in the pockets.
ME: {strips naked and stands on scales} Great! Looks like I’ve lost a few pounds.
STORE MANAGER: Sorry sir, but these scales are for fresh produce only.
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
in the 80s you solved everything with dancing. street fight? dance. parents throw you out of the house? dance. a demonic presence that has surfaced from the bowels of hell as a result of a seance gone wrong? dance.
I accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now my wife takes pictures of me every 15 minutes.
