My neighbor put alarms in his yard designed to scare squirrels & rabbits but the alarms go off every 20 secs & it’s maddening. He thinks they’re a frequency humans can’t hear (he’s 90 & near deaf). I pulled the batteries & he can’t tell they’re off. Am I going to hell for this?
Not usually a big fan of God, but I have admit telling Cruz to run for president then making him lose to a reality TV clown was an A+ prank.
A coworker just told me that “it is what it is” and I have never felt so enlightened.
[Doctor’s office]
Doctor: “OK. I have something to tell you. I think you should probably sit down”
Me: “No thanks. I’ll stand. What‘s up?”
*I get mauled by a tiger that was hiding under his desk
Doctor: “I wanted to tell you my pet tiger gets nervous when people are standing”
*window shutter falls off my house* we’re gonna need more command strips.
My two year old demands that we place her floral print blanket on her shoulders and address her as “baby vampire” and read her “vampire books” (just regular peppa pig books but she’s dressed as a vampire) so I feel I’m parenting correctly
Bully gets me in a headlock not realizing my entire head is pre-slathered in fish oil and I just slip right out! The janitor chants my name.
I just read a thing that said I should compliment myself on my decisions, regardless of outcome. No thanks, I’m not the government.
Fact: it’s impossible to look tough while getting a snack from a vending machine. You’re all, “Wheeee! A tiny bag of Cheetos!”
ME: I’ve brought you a house-warming present
ESKIMO: You idiot
First person ever: I HAVE SEVERAL HOLES IN MY FACE WHAT IS HAPPENING
He had the strength of ten men and the confidence of twelve morons.
googling “effect vs affect” in an incognito window
i will not close my account until the sport of golf is rightfully named “golfball” like the other ball sports
I hope Prince Harry and Emma Watson last because if they have a son, it will be the half-blood prince.
With all due respect, your kid sneezed on me first.
In the 1930s, there was an outbreak of exploding trousers in New Zealand. Farmers had used a herbicide that became explosive when it dried.
These are troubling times, but as an incredibly drunk philosopher once said, “you can’t make lemonade without breaking a few eggs”
Gonna eat this baklava wearing a balaclava whilst playing a balalaika
I keep two glasses on my bedside table at night: a glass of water and an empty one, because sometimes, when I wake up, I’m not thirsty.
I just opened an email from the vet wishing my dog a happy birthday.
I replied asking them to call her because she can’t read.
ur the human equivalent of having a hair in ur mouth
According to my fitness app, I ate a 6 mile fruit roll-up.
[||||||||]=.=====.=[||||||||]
{__/} /
( • – •) /
(__)
/Expectation:
{__/}
( • o•)
/ >🥕 for energyReality:
{__/}
( • o•)
/ >🍕 for energy[30 mins later]
{__/}
(´･ω･)
/ ⌒ヽ
(人＿＿つ_つ
A Clinton is running for POTUS, a Jurassic Park movie dominated the summer box office, and they found a knife on OJ’s property. It’s 1994.
This message stamped on the squeaker inside the stuffed animal my dog just destroyed
*sees a baby screaming on the plane* wait– WAIT. WHY IS HE SCREAMING. OH MY GOD WHY IS HE SCREAMING. WHAT DOSE HE KNOW THAT WE DONT
Could you even imagine the crime rate if no one drank coffee or ate bacon.
Michael Cera, in a public restroom, pinned to the opposite wall by the force of the hand-dryer.
If you like piña coladas,
Getting caught in the rain,
If you’re not into health food,
If you’re into champagne,
You’re probably an alcoholic
If you’re a parent don’t forget to set your clocks forward and then jump out the window.
