My neighbor put alarms in his yard designed to scare squirrels & rabbits but the alarms go off every 20 secs & it’s maddening. He thinks they’re a frequency humans can’t hear (he’s 90 & near deaf). I pulled the batteries & he can’t tell they’re off. Am I going to hell for this?
Twitter’s fun because everyone’s really cynical and snide about everything except *checks hand* … wrestling? that can’t be right
[googling recipes for success and checking the cupboard]
well I hope it calls for a 3 yr old bag of marshmallows
The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever
Ok, Surgeon General, alcohol is bad for pregnant women. The warning label might be more effective stating alcohol causes pregnant women.
Never share breakfast with a duck‼️
If I don’t stop stress-eating, I will be the elephant in the room.
GIRLFRIEND: *whispers in my ear* Hey you wanna try for a baby
ME: *playing the claw machine* I don’t think there are any in there, Denise.
I wasn’t feeling well so I googled my symptoms. I either have allergies or I died two days ago.
A haunted house but for awkward interactions. Someone pops out at you and you’re like “nice to meet you” and they’re like “haha actually we’ve already met”
[First date] You didn’t google the menu before you came to the restaurant? This isn’t going to work.
My blow up doll has started wheezing and she’s loosing weight rapidly. Getting very concerned.
After slaving away making a full Christmas dinner, my 3yo looked lovingly at me and smiled. Then five simple words left her mouth… “can I have cereal instead?”
to the spirits in my walls: going to the store be right back.
The best backflip ever!💕🤗🤗
I don’t know who needs to hear this but women don’t really wear flowery see-through dresses to ride horses in real life.
Oscillating fan: [looks at me in anticipation]
[turns away with disappointment]
What doesn’t kill a grammar nazi makes me wronger.
Why do I have to answer security questions to pay my bills?
Ohmygod please tell me there are hackers out there trying to pay my bills….
[first day as a chiropractor]
assistant: all your patients are complaining
me: I mean…it’s my first day, I’m still trying to get the hang of it
assistant: ok, but do you really have to sing “baby got back” every time?
Polite way of saying gfy in unwanted DM 😉
6: Why are we at the vet?
Me: So our pig can’t have babies
6: How do you know she doesn’t want babies?
Me:*looks at my kids* Just a hunch
Me: Okay, I may have hidden all the turkey bacon in the grocery store to save humanity from this awfulness, so sue me!
Judge: That is literally what is happening here.
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you have extremely good judgement.
TWITTER REHAB IS GOING GOOD YOU GUYS I GOT A NEW FRIEND HE HAS SPECIAL SUGAR AND IT’S AWESOME AND MY YARD HAS 3,957,268 BLADES OF GRASS!!!!
“Right, whose round is it?”
Translation: It is not my round and I know whose round it is.
If you’re feeling butterflies in your stomach, go make yourself a sandwich. It’s called being hungry.
Me: Oh hey I should watch this movie
Netflix: Actually you watched 27 minutes of it 3 years ago so you’ll probably want to pick up where you left off
I’m the guy at the gym laying face down on the treadmill telling everyone “I’m ok, I’m ok”
Can’t we just sew all of the candidates together & have the first multi-headed president?
Me *has read one book all year*
Me *going on a trip for a week* better download 15 books
