My neighbor put alarms in his yard designed to scare squirrels & rabbits but the alarms go off every 20 secs & it’s maddening. He thinks they’re a frequency humans can’t hear (he’s 90 & near deaf). I pulled the batteries & he can’t tell they’re off. Am I going to hell for this?

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“Mom, I promise I won’t interrupt your nap.” “Thanks honey, could I finish peeing by myself?”


Sawing a hole in the bottom of a table to steal someone’s cake is way harder than it looks on cartoons.


GOOD COP: Here I brought you some tooth paste

BAD COP: Now drink this orange juice


[dentist chair]
how’s school?
*I start talking, dentist notices his hand isn’t in my mouth*
oh sorry
*puts hand in my mouth*
how’s school?


6: What’s the Roman numeral for 4?
Me: IV
What’s the Roman numeral for 6?
Me: I don’t know. They named the movie Rocky Balboa.


Those 11 British actors I watch on every single show must be so tired.


interviewer: what are your strengths

me: when i was little i drew a picture of a beer so good my mom put it in the refrigerator and an hour later she tried to drink it

interviewer: what about weaknesses

me: my mom’s a mess



ME: I like you, I think you’re cute

MY CRUSH: oh um

ME: HAHAHA omg my dog was chewing on my phone lol how did he type that


me: honey, I’m home!
[shuts door]
girlfriend: (from bedroom) oh yeah harder
me: if you say so
[slams door]