My neighbor put alarms in his yard designed to scare squirrels & rabbits but the alarms go off every 20 secs & it’s maddening. He thinks they’re a frequency humans can’t hear (he’s 90 & near deaf). I pulled the batteries & he can’t tell they’re off. Am I going to hell for this?
Brain: Compliment her eyes
Me: Yeah?
Brain: Trust me“YOUR EYES ARE BLUE LIKE BLUEBERRIES & THEY’RE PROBABLY SQUISHY TOO.”
Brain: Perfect!
“Can I go play w/ my Twitter friends?”
Wife: “Are the kids in bed & the dishwasher emptied?”
“…Yes”
*wife opens cabinet, kids fall out*
the legend of bigfoot and the bodacious badonkadonk
I walk around my yard with a fake teardrop tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.
Don’t bother putting your hand over my mouth to shut me up, I will lick you.
I get very stressed out when characters in movies are told a rapid-fire list of things to do and don’t write it down.
20’s: You can eat whatever you want.
30’s: Just two slices of pizza. You’re watching your weight.
40’s: You gained four pounds watching an Olive Garden commercial.
My kid’s preschool has us practicing Christmas program songs in September so if you see me in October walking around looking like a hot mess mumbling Christmas lyrics just hand me alcohol or put me out of my misery
every Crock-Pot recipe:
– add anything you have in the house
– cook two to fourteen hours.
Them: how are you?
Me: anxiety riddled and cute as a button… but like, a button that’s been at the bottom of a sewing bag since your grandma was in home ec
It’s not difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. One will see you in a while whereas the other will see you later.
EVERYBODY NEEDS TO STOP WHAT THEY ARE DOING RIGHT NOW AND ACKNOWLEDGE THE FACT THAT I HAVE JUST SEEN A BEAVER.
Me: *sends myself a reminder text about an appointment*
Phone: *ding*
Me: Ooh, who’s texting me?
Who knew that a fighter jet could be a flight risk?
Catch Pokemon?
No thanks. I’m STD- Free.
I sleep better naked, why cant the flight attendant understand that?
The amount of time I’ve spent searching for my chihuahua int the back yard while she is locked in the house is astronomical
*puts on new Fitbit*
*steps on scales*
Welp, this is bullshit!
My body snaps, crackles and pops louder than my cereal.
I’ve been saying I’ll sleep when I’m dead for so long, I’m starting to really look forward to dying.
The thing that’s wrong with oatmeal raisin cookies is that they’re oatmeal raisin cookies.
At my elementary “graduation” my teacher was retiring, and the teacher giving the speech kept saying the event was about her, which was odd. But now my family has a running joke with every graduation, award, wedding etc where we go “Congrats, but really this is about Ms.—–“
TRES leches?! En esta economía?!
[during sex]
me: imma turn the ceiling fan on
giraffe wife: *on top* noooooooo
“Is he going to be my new dad?” – My 20 y. o. son any time I speak to any man for any reason.
once I posted “it’s funny how ‘the Hague’ is like the only city that randomly decided to give itself a definite article” and everyone was like “don’t you live in Los Angeles”
I’ve tried being less handsome but it’s like stapling water to a tree…impossible
never register for a class that says “space is limited,” because whoever’s running it clearly has no respect for science
Her: You don’t have to cook me dinner, we can just go out.
Me *tossing a jellyfish in the air like pizza dough* No it’s fine I don’t mind..
