My neighbor put up like $3,000 worth of Christmas lights but I showed him by putting out a nativity scene with like 20 baby Jesuses
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Ferrari squats
It’s just a bunch of grown men too stubborn to ask for directions, so they are driving around in circles.
~Me explaining NASCAR to my daughter
No YOUR addicted to correcting people’s grandma on the Twitter
Anyone want to do the laundry for me? Im exhausted. I can pay you in beanie babies or hot monkey sex.
The monkey’s name is Earl. He bites.
The Purge: Valentine’s Day
Before sending a tweet l always test it on my wife first. If she rolls her eyes and leaves the room, l know it has potential.
I spent 2 hours at a gym looking angry with my arms crossed. The manager thought I worked there and gave me a raise
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i don’t take u seriously
HER: yes
ME: yeah right
[shark therapy]
“My girl dumped me & I haven’t eaten in days”There’s lots of fish in the sea
“Yeah but…actually that covers everything”
Him: What? I couldn’t understand you.
Me: gnbkfshbffjjg
H: What?!
Me: GNBKFSHBFFJJG!
H: Damnit Aimee! Take the burrito out of your mouth!
If I wasn’t supposed to have vodka for breakfast they shouldn’t have made it taste so good with orange juice.
Read a magazine at the doctor’s office so I’m all caught up on Clinton running for president. I don’t think Bush can beat him.
“Easy as pie” does not sound easy to me. Make it “Easy as Hot Pockets” or “Easy as eating six pickles straight out of the jar without even closing the fridge”
My wife’s been recovered from COVID for over a month and she still insists that it’s safer for me to sleep on the couch.
Do not worry.
I will take your secrets to my grave.
But, oh, how crowded it will be in the coffin.
My tween is mad at me and it could be because of any number of horrible things I did this morning: stood in the kitchen, poured coffee, stared out the window, said good morning, breathed…
My wife’s leftover meatloaf just growled at me and ran under the fridge …. now I’m scared.
When someone really pisses you off and you know you can’t physically do anything.
Just look at them through a fork and pretend you put them in jail.
Jesus: This is my body
Peter: That’s bread
Jesus: It’s a metaphor dude
Peter: Oh so you’ve been talking in metaphor
Jesus: Sometimes I am Sometimes I’m being literal
Peter: How will we know the difference?
Jesus: It’s easy. If you get something wrong you just go to hell
Movies, when someone gently places a blanket over a sleeping woman: she smiles in her sleep and snuggles in.
Me, when someone gets within 5 feet of me while I’m sleeping: starts boxing the air like Rocky on his second wind taking down Drago.
Hate when the person sitting next to me on the subway notices me shamelessly reading their texts and starts tilting it out of my view like c’mon lemme have a lil read it’s just me c’mon who am I gonna tell it’s only me
What idiot called it blood spatter instead of axe body spray
My neighbors have both a howling dog and a screaming baby out in their yard. I’d throw a rock or something but I’m afraid I’d hit the dog.
No I don’t want to ride in a basket beneath your giant flying fire tent.
[on the phone with an ex while violently twisting and stabbing a voodoo doll]
Are you sure you’re ok?
“This cereal tastes nothing like Pebbles.”
~Bamm Bamm
‘Your place or mine?’
Is the sexiest response to the question:
‘Where shall we bury the body?’
The owner of my AirBnB has a dog named Kevin. His human-sounding name terrified me at first.
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