Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Really mean guy at the golf course called me a 4 and then hit me with his golf ball 🙁

[Snake Owners Club]

Thanks for coming. A reminder, stuffing an animal into a sock does NOT make it a snake.

[Me & like 3 other guys leave]

Psychologist: I’m going to lift this shade and you’ll see you are NOT a vampire.

Man: No!

*lifts shade and the sunlight ignites the man into a screaming inferno*

Nurse: *screams*

P: He convinced his body to do that.

N:

P: I’ve seen it before, Brenda. He’s the 9th this week.

Told my boss I would be turning in my badge and my gun. He said you work in IT, why do you have a gun.

Me: if I told you that you have a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?

Funeral Director: Please leave sir

RIP to the iPod. Kids today will never know the glory of having these all listed as different artists

Death Cab for Cutie
Death cab for cutie
Death Cab For Cutie
Death Cab for Cu…

People half my age are now legitimate adults, and frankly I find this offensive.

According to science, the most stressful events for an adult are:
-Divorce
-Death of a close family member
-Personal injury or illness

And the most stressful events for a kid are:
-Bedtime
-Dad cut the sandwich into rectangles not triangles
-“He’s copying me”

king: the gods are angry with us

advisor: let’s throw a virgin into the volcano

king: how would that help

advisor: [throwing stephen in] help what

jury duty is so unserious. like uh oh it’s time for my government-mandated gossiping!

People who say ‘be careful what you wish for’ have obviously never wished for free, unprotected, unlimited wifi from their neighbor.

First date:
[ok, don’t let her know you’re a cop]

Her: do you come here often?

Me: *shoots unarmed black teen*

How long does Chewbacca take to shampoo his hair?

Liquidity is the only difference between soup, stew and a casserole. There, I said it.

I just hit my toe and it was at that moment I realized I spoke 4 different languages

Follow me on Pinterest for seasonal craft ideas and spells for summoning ancient demons.

one thing that has not changed at all from childhood to adulthood is how worried you need to be when your mother is addressing you by your full name

Went to a parade.

For an hour, bored people on floats waved.

For an hour, My 2-year-old waved back.

It was the greatest day of her life.

I see your ‘swagger’ and raise you my full-time job. Yeah.

I’m not an agoraphobe, I’m deeply in love with my stuff

Good cop: you two could go away for six years each for this
Add cop: for a total of twelve years between you

People who put jam AND marmalade on toast are polyjamorous.

Sometimes I like to stand up really fast to remember what drugs feel like

making bad rap music is committing crhymes.

I get it, artificial Christmas tree. I also can’t fit in my pre-Christmas box.

If you eat tuna fish, & then you eat cake, you need to get a new fork. Trust me. 🤢

My mom (seriously) asked if my friend’s brother “still had down syndrome.” No mother, he walked it off.

Would a rose by any other name still let Jack die?

[if I acted in real life the way guys do online]

*running up to interrupt 2 guys I don’t know, super out of breath* hey, just wanna let you know that joke you made earlier sucked big time