My neighbor rolled her garbage bins out at 5:30am so in turn I entered her cell number on five car warranty websites
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dads when they smell someone in the neighborhood grillin’
Peeling onions is great because you get to cry about everything in front of your kids and blame supper.
What do the films Titanic and 6th Sense have in common?
Icy dead people….. please don’t unfollow me
[After my wife ate my bag of M&Ms I was saving for later]
Wife: You’re being so over-dramaticMe *texting her back from motel room* am I
Yesterday I called a store to see if they were open and, as soon as they picked up, I knew they were, but had to follow through with what was by then a really stupid question.
“I SWEAR I DON’T KNOW WHERE THEY KEEP THE TREATS, PLEASE, I HAVE A FAMILY”
I miss that time in my life when people asked easy questions, like “What’s your favorite color?” or “Where is your belly button?”.
“Honey, have you seen the baby? I haven’t seen the baby since I asked you to throw out the bath wat–OH DEAR GOD!!” – birth of an expression
[Company Christmas luncheon]
Coworker: Nice, so you’re entering the ugly sweater contest?
Me: Ugly sweater contest?
[Sweden’s famous Ice Hotel]
Vinnie: how are we going to break into the vault?
Donnie: leave it to me *screws silencer onto hairdryer*
Her: I’m not going to keep pausing the movie to explain it to you
Me: I just have a hard time understanding
Her: they’re in that position bc he delivered the pizza but she doesn’t have any money
For years I thought I was depressed. Then I got divorced. Turns out it was marriage, not depression.
person texting me: hey I’m outside
me: [covered in glue and accidentally tripping onto a pile of several thousand photos of you] uh HANG ON
home depot ceo: [incredibly high] let’s sell the largest skeletons
I love going places just to spend the entire time taking my kids to the bathroom
A passenger is at the airport at 6AM in a pressed suit and said “good morning!”
Excuse me, sir, that is not the vibe here. The rest of us have agreed to be sullen and wear the closest thing to pajamas you can legally leave the house in.
Go back and try again.
[Turning a carved Halloween pumpkin around so it’s now a Thanksgiving pumpkin] “haha suck it, Martha Stewart”
If I could choose my own superhero origin story I’d be bitten by a radioactive serotonin
My mom asked why I work out so much. I told her it’s to look good for nude laser tag season.
I’m thinking she’s never asking that again.
Him: You okay?
Me eating a tube of cookie dough like a banana: Yeah, why?
My bf just suggested we put canned peas in the egg salad and anyway, I’m single now.
Anytime a young person makes me watch a Tik Tok I don’t like, I make them watch a full season of Frasier on DVD
It’s weird that ‘coward’ doesn’t mean
“towards a cow”.*sips wine*
You can’t take a purebred dog to the park the ducks will eat them
Opening emails from the school.
“I know we’ve given you no prior notice but tomorrow please can all pupils wear a Roman inspired costume, bring a donation for the Xmas raffle, a gluten free homemade cake for the coffee morning & a thimble containing two droplets of Walrus blood”.
When a couple I’m friends with splits up, I always choose sides with the one who won’t ask to sleep on my couch.
wife and kids are threatening to remove me from the family group chat because my Android is messing it up and now I’m certain that I made the right phone choice
Me: i never know what to say
Friend: just say something nice[later]
Date: hi
Me: 69
Mugger: Give me your wallet and… is that a Rolex?
Me: It’s a fake.
Mugger: What about her diamond ring. Is that fake?
Me: *nervously look at my wife* No, no. That’s 100% real…
Me: shouldn’t ocean now be spelled oCean?
Climatologist: that’s not what rising sea level means