My neighbor rolled her garbage bins out at 5:30am so in turn I entered her cell number on five car warranty websites
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Me: *Holding gun* I can’t tell who’s the real one. Tell me something only Gary would know
Gary 1: You have a fetish for-
*BLAM BLAM BLAM*
Me: Welp, that’s that. Let’s go, New Gary
Mr. Trump, who’s your Secretary of State?
TRUMP: To deal with China, one that speaks Mandarin [remembers to appeal to women] or Womandarin
date: your glasses make you look smart
me: well i had to fail a test to get them so
I surprised a raccoon in my garage this morning, and now he’s telling his friends he made a human run into a wall.
Coworker: Wow, you look great! How’d you lose weight so quickly?
Me, without emergency loaves of bread stuffed in my clothes because it was raining when I left for work and I don’t like soggy bread: No bread
One nice thing about my kids sleeping so late in the summer is that I save money on breakfast foods because it’s been completely eliminated from their diets.
<——-Wants the burger
<——-Needs the salad
Why does Jehovah need so many witnesses?
Sounds like a pretty shady dude to me.
Me: I really ought to eat more fruit
Also me: I donut think so
[in heaven after crucifixion]
jesus: “they were horrible dad, im pleased im not going back there”
god: [rubbing his neck] “see the thing is”
🗽
Up until 2013, Pizza Hut was the largest buyer of kale in the US
They used it to decorate their salad bar
I’ve decided to take some time off Twitter so I can focus on work and, ok, I’m back
My girlfriend bought a bag from another woman on FB marketplace…she had me go pick it up and I wound up grabbing it from…the other woman’s boyfriend, whom she had dispatched to hand it over
Twitter is like:
funny joke
funny joke
funny joke
HORRIFIC IMAGE YOU CAN NEVER UNSEE
funny joke
funny joke
angry guy who didn’t get the joke
Wife – “I’m leaving you…”
Me – “noooooo…”
Wife – “…a hotdog in my will”
Me – “…oooyeeahhhhhh”
Me: I’m not interested in you that way
Them: Which way?
Me: Pick one
When I die, throw me on Mt. Everest so it looks like I was trying to do something.
The year is 2030: All corporations have merged and every night before bed you say a prayer to your cable company.
Because I didn’t know any better, I always sang “bowels of holly” as a kid.
Out of embarrassment, I just told a train passenger I’m crying cos my bf dumped me. Real reason is I’m listening to the Lion King soundtrack
“You’re just not my cup of tea” I say to someone else’s cup of tea.
Marie Kondo: Does this item spark joy?
Daughter: YES!
Marie Kondo: Oookay… um, this paper cup from 3 weeks ago?
Daughter: Yes! It’s my favorite!
Marie Kondo: *holding up a broken crayon* Does this item spark joy?
Daughter: Yes!
Marie Kondo: *in tears* This popped balloon?
And God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the world. Then made the earth round… and laughed…
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
i wish it was legal to speak up during a haircut if theyre doing something you dont want. sadly you just have to sit there
we need to bring back easter eggs on DVDs in case the Doctor ever needs to communicate with someone thirty years in the future to warn them about a race of terrifying sentient statues with the power to send people back in time.
Can I be wracked with something other than guilt. Like. Can I be wracked with spaghetti.
Sometimes you send an email that requires a response, and the other person writes back right away, and it’s like NO NOT YET.
Everyone has beautiful pics posted. Where are the losers? I’m leaving.