Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

This one, by a wide margin

*on my deathbed*

*groggy, dazed, & delirious*

Me: I wonder if my TC ever really loved me?

Wife: Honey, what’s a TC?

Me: *pulls plug*

Me: I don’t think this is going to work

Wife: I know, I’ve been feeling like that for a long time. We’ll be so much happier with other people

M: I was talking about switching the toilet paper so it rolls under

brian had himself a morning…

Sorry I jumped out from behind the Doritos display at Kroger and started choking you, I’m new to all this roleplay stuff.

When my middle school English teacher didn’t know the word “anecdote,” it became my first successful field test of discretion vs. valor.

6-year-old: I can add AND subtract by hundreds.

Me: That’s pretty impressive.

6: Let me know if you need my help.

My dad called and asked which brand of bourbon I would be most thankful for next week.

My mom must have sent him grocery shopping.

I’m not saying that I haven’t slept for a while, but could you kindly ask your eyebrows to stop rearranging themselves on your face?

Whatever, hissing raccoon. Sitting there, judging me. I didn’t mean to throw the cake in the trash so it’s still fair game.

I’m a good listener. If you’re interesting. Or you’re a movie about penguins.

4-year-old: Why am I not in your wedding pictures?

Me: You were born 3 years later.

4: *cries because we didn’t invite her*

Don’t bother giving kids a hard time for saying lol while they’re speaking if you came from an era when hardy-har-har was a thing.

My diorama of the Three Little Pigs mise-en-scéne was overshadowed by my sister’s master’s degree. I’m not mad, but I’ll probably cancel the show.

GYM TIP: Work out smart, not hard!

A lot of people at the gym go and lift the big weights. But actually, the small weights are lighter and much easier to lift.

It’s fine when farmers use souls of old plants 2 strengthen crops, but when I do it w/ ppl “I’m a witch” & “dear god she’s getting stronger”

I just found $11 in my pocket and then mentally spent about $187 of it.

I’m worried my new haircut makes me look like a serial killer, which could really cramp my ability to do as much serial killing.

the guy at the liquor store didn’t card me and it hurt my feelings so I said I was a cop and idk what to do next we’re just standing here

Walruses? Walri? Walrus?

Anyway…They’ve escaped.

Guy on fb posted a picture of his baby w/ the caption “1st Easter!” Hell no, there have been like 2000, we’re not starting over just for him

I just got belted in my face by a rogue piece of carrot that fell out of my sports bra while doing downward facing dog.

[medieval doctor] bad vibes? got a worm for that

wife: “what on earth are you doing?”
me: “making a penguin”
wife: “that’s a pigeon”
me: [opening freezer door] “not for long”

Lifeguards should focus more on water safety and less on me laying eggs in the sand.

Preacher: He who lives by the sword shall die by the sword

Me: *sweating*

My neighbor (who is an actual sword): *glares at me from the end of the pew*

Writing a song about getting my front door lock replaced. There’s a lovely key change at the end.

[heaven]

darwin: *looking down*
angel: what’s going on?
darwin: watch this

Exorcist: I’m here to remove the demon that has possessed you

Me: I didn’t call you

Demon: I did