Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Has anyone lived long enough to buy a 2nd bottle of Worchestershire sauce ?

“Did you remember to take the dog out?”
Ah crap, I forgot
[Dog storms in] I sat at the restaurant for HOURS

[David Attenborough watching me trying to chase down an ice cream truck in my flip flops] Astounding

[doc pulls baby out of mom and immediately slides it under his shirt] oh no NOW I’M PREGNANT haha no [pulls it out] just kidding here you go

If I knew I’d have this many brain cells left, I would have partied a little harder in my twenties.

Me: ’til death do us part
Her: ’til death do us part
Death: *cracks open beer* Imma watch them suffer a while

ME: There’s a dead fly in my soup

WAITER: Yes

ME: There’s a dead fly in a tiny burning longboat in my soup

WAITER: Yes

ME: A cricket bard sings his spirit into the next world

WAITER: Yes

ME: My compliments to the chef

PSA: 60% of deaths happen in hospitals which is why I don’t go there

I’m not mad at Bezos for going into space. I’m mad at him for coming back.

Give yourself something to look forward to tomorrow: Text a friend, “I think you owe me an apology,” then turn off your phone and go to bed

My child is as cold as ice I wonder where they get that from

From now on, I’m referring to my ex girlfriends as “yesterbae’s.”

In Scotland we don’t like our revenge as a dish served cold, we like it deep fried.

The art of conversation, otherwise known as two or more people each awaiting their chance to interrupt.

Her: I’m just a vintage soul
Me: and a vintage face..

That’s how the fight started

Government: “you need to post salary ranges on all of your job openings”

Companies: “okay, the typical salary range for this role is usually between $17,000 and $2,500,000 per year”

[First date after divorce]

Me: I’m gonna need to see your medical records.

Creams that smell like fruit play with your brain.

Tempted to eat my own leg.

Smells like mango, but would probably taste like rare steak.

It’s amazing how many errands I’m willing to run when family is in town. No, no you relax. I’ll go.

if you prick your finger by accident and suck on it, you become your own blood brother & you have to take care of yourself no matter what

S O O N

Weird…my son has been having nightmares about a clown hiding in his closet ever since I dressed like a clown and hid in his closet.

My cat is trying to kill me. 🤣

Why do people say tunafish, rather than just tuna?

Is that to differentiate from the tunacow and tunagiraffe?

I always wonder what the nurses reaction was like after I leave a half eaten sandwich in a coma patients hand.

When someone reads your message, then never responds, it’s just hurtful.

I mean, what else could they possibly have going on at 3 AM?

Me: What do you want for your birthday?

12yo: I don’t know

Me, jokingly: Drugs?

12yo: Nah, too expensive

Me:

[office]

DAVE: We’re having a baby

SUE: Congratulations!

ME: [suspicious that Dave is a seahorse] Looking forward to the birth, Dave?