Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Creative Problem Solving

Me: I just ran into your brother.

Friend: How’s he doing?

Me: Not so good. I ran into him pretty hard.

I’m not saying white uniforms on kids for sports was invented by Big Laundry but I’m not NOT saying it either.

I wish more places gave out stickers like the ones you get for voting. “I got a colonoscopy!” “I got a mammogram!” “I got a pap smear!” “I got a prostate exam!”

if ghosts r real why are there no dinosaur ghosts? think about that, but u won’t bc i just blew your mind with something called logic, idiot

I recycle jokes because I care about the environment, Samantha.

I hate it when healthy me does the groceries, because now fat me needs a snack.

My mom regularly mentions that I was a large baby

I turn 25 in two weeks

Gave money to a homeless man. A stranger lectured me on how he’s just going to spend it on drugs and alcohol..

Yeah, OK. Like I wasn’t.

Guy at the Xmas tree farm: When you bring it into your house, you need to let it stand in the corner of the room for a while to relax and acclimatise.

Me: Same.

I changed my relationship status to “I’m sharpening my knives” on Facebook so my boyfriend’s family will never come visit

Why is rage the only thing you hear about people seething with? Where are the people seething with happiness?

[Neo’s Matrix bullet dodge but instead it’s me taking a compliment]

There’s a mom at the school pickup with a shirt that says “I don’t always whoomp, but when I do, there it is.” I think I love her

(Teaching a Kid to Ride a Bike)

ME: Ready?

KID: *angry bleating*

I bring my own pen into the bank because I don’t need any god dammed chains telling me where I can and cannot write

[Taylor Swift on toilet, going #2. Kanye jumps out of her shower]
“Yo, Taylor- I’m really happy for you & I’m-a let you finish, but…”

Mrs. Cinnamon Toast Crunch is about to eat her family and honestly I get it

my main career goal atm is to find a big bag of money in the woods

When a ladybug is orange. Must be laundry day.

Battery falling down a hole

Liam Neeson stars as an evil owner of a haunted cemetery in a creepy new Halloween thriller. His catch phrase is “I have a particular set of skulls.”

I can’t believe the 12 days of Christmas is all birds and musicians and not a single thing with potatoes anywhere.

It sucks when you & your pal show up at a party wearing the same shirt…and an hour in, his chest hair starts sticking to your back.

a squirrel buries a nut in my backyard. I think im going to dig it up & replace it with a grilled cheese sandwich, blow its freaking mind!

I love traveling with my husband because it gives us an opportunity to bicker in new and exotic locations.

HIPSTER COP: I pulled you over because of the volume
ME: *turns down stereo* Sorry
HC: Not that. What products do you use in your hair?

Eugene Levy & his wife invited me to a non-alcoholic party.

Drove my Chevy to the Levys but the Levys were dry.

Ibuprofen, youbuprofen, weallbuprofen.

Me: some mornings I see myself in the mirror and think what am I even getting ready for

Therapist: sorry, can you pull the toothbrush out of your beard