My neighbor Ron is mad at me just because my book ‘The Many Lawn Care Mistakes of My Neighbor Ron’ is a hit with both critics and readers.
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Drug dealer: if you’re a cop, you have to tell me
Me: [into shoulder radio] is that true
Don’t watch nature documentaries with me unless you want more information than the narration provides.
I dunno will I understand the new Fast & Furious if I haven’t seen the previous 47?
me as a parent
Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes
Me:She’s better than me.
BF:She’s not.
M:Look at those, they’re incredible!
BF:
M:STOP STARING!-Boyfriend reading other women’s tweets
I’ve reprogrammed my FitBit to allow for more me time. And by reprogram, I mean I’ve attached it to the leg of a deer.
I was born to run.
*eating lawn mower parts*
what, it’s grass fed
the moon landing, except it’s the moon, landing on earth. everyone is just as excited. at first.
every time I write an email I think: “you need to be professional. no smiley faces. no exclamation points. use big, smart words. you are so so brave” and then I’ll get a reply from some 60 year old VP named Mike that’s like, “thx. have a gr8 wknd!
Get Outlook for iOS”
I’m here because I’ve been in therapy for 6 years, and all I do there is lie.
“It’s all fun and games until someone loses an i”
– the Pixar Logo
I like my women how I like my microwaved food.
Hot as hell on the outside and cold as ice on the inside.
[limbo contest]
Everyone: *chanting* how low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
It’s so foggy out right now that I feel like I should be telling someone about an ancient prophecy
if you knew my origin story, you’d stop asking what’s wrong with me, and start asking if i want crayons with my placemat.
My son started school today. I’m excited to meet all the new illnesses he’ll be bringing home this fall.
How did girls text before emojis?
Hey I can’t wait to see you tonight! PARTY HAT MARTINI GLASS NOISEMAKER BEER MUG CAT DOG SUNGLASSES POOP
HER: Mmm you smell good.
ME: Thanks. I use both my nostrils.
My mother wanted grandchildren, so I changed the ring on her phone to the ice cream truck song so she can attract one.
I want my toddler to be independent but I also want this banana peeled before I die.
Sleep is the body’s best safety mechanism. It keeps you from screwing things up for 8 hours.
where’s that tiktok video of that guy dancing in front of some cows and the cows are slowly backing away from him and then he hits one move really hard and they all run away
Banned from IKEA again because I keep asking staff awkward questions about the shelf life of shelves.
When I die I want to be cremated and my ashes spread all over my bedroom…so my wife can clean up after me one more time.
Should I shampoo my carpet before using my air conditioner?
Hey Paul Ryan, why don’t you save some first names for the rest of us.
One time in med school we had a lecture on the dangers of sleep deprivation and it was an Alanis Morissette level of irony that the lecture was at 7am.
How high are you when you try to change lanes during your spin class?
Sometimes passing by a nursing home is the only reminder I need to go buy my kids whatever they want.