Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 2023 resolution to only say “Dah, who turned out the lights?” in the event that the lights have actually been turned off, and not when eg. I’ve had a large pot placed over my head or fallen into an open manhole, has already proven more difficult than I thought

Hide liquor from the teenagers in the laundry room. You’re welcome

you pass by on your run. i’m on the front porch hacking into my neighbors neurolink and having him wash my dad’s van

I’m sick and tired of people not appreciating the magic that is baking soda. Have a stain? Baking soda. Have a pimple? Baking soda. Making cookies? Baking soda. Accidentally caused a small kitchen fire making cookies? BAKING SODA!

If you pedal backwards on a Peloton, fried chicken appears in the cup holder.

Me: Can you hear me?

4: No.

Me: I need for you to pick up your legos, please.

4: But I can’t hear you.

Me: You can, you’re answering me.

4: (crying) No, I can’t!

Gaslighting is starting at a young age over here.

Daughter: will you help me with my philosophy paper.

Me: who are you writing about?

Daughter: I haven’t picked anyone yet.

Me: sounds like you put Descartes before dehorse lol.

Daughter: seriously?

Me:

Daughter:

Me: Kant stop won’t stop : )

ME: I can’t believe he ruined my life.

THERAPIST: Who?

ME: *points at myself* This idiot.

Why do people say raw sewage. Saying raw makes it sound like it becomes better if cooked properly.

My twins have been coming home from school every day with big cardboard models and I’m taking this as an act of war so tomorrow I’m sending one twin with a whistle and one with a book that plays baby shark on repeat

Hip-Hop & Dancing go hand & hand for my generation.

Me: Don’t text him if he’s ignoring you.

Also me: *sends him 67 messages*

Him: So what do you do?
Me (hoping to save up for some bushes at the edge of my property): I run a hedge fund.

My boyfriend was explaining to me how its nice to be with me as I’m so easy to keep happy. Enjoying the positive comments I asked him to elaborate, he says well all you need is to sleep well, eat lots and go for nice walks, to which I suddenly realised I am a golden retriever

[first date]
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a scientist.
Her: Cool. What kind?
Him: Mad. *electrical storm begins outside*

Scrooge: you there, girl, what day is it?

Rebecca Black: *inhales*

🎶 Hey there Delilah… a thousand miles seems pretty far but they’ve got planes and trains and cars 🎶

Guy That Just Waked 500 Miles and 500 More: they have what

There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.

[drops a pinch of fish food into fish tank]
ME: here ya go little buddies
FISH: oh wow pukey shit flakes again, thanks man

Cold.

I fed the neighborhood cat cheaper cat treats and now she’s meowing Sarah McLachlan songs in my back yard.

So many village idiots. So few dragons.

Jesus: I don’t wanna stay with Mary and Joseph this weekend
God: you know the deal, you can live here with me but Christmas & Easter you stay with them
Jesus: Christmas and what?
God: what

Dear prisoners: How about liquid soap?

You’re welcome.

Having a pool is so neat. All of your friends are suddenly interested to catch up on the hottest days of the year.

Men are almost twice as likely to tell pollsters that they have a plan for the zombie apocalypse than women. Often before the pollsters even ask.

It’s either five or nothing bro

– if wet wipes could talk

* charges phone.

Phone: wrong hole.

i make my smoothies with a handful of kale, parsley, cabbage, broccoli, lemon zest and ice and blend it all in the garbage disposal.