My neighbor said “I don’t watch football so I don’t know who Taylor Swift is, but he sounds fast.”
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DOCTOR: studies show that social media use reduces attention span
ME: that’s hard to believe
DOCTOR: are you checking your phone?
ME: what?
A first kiss so tentative and awkward, you regret all the time you spent practicing on your beagle.
Did I just say that out loud?
her: have i been a bad girl?
me: *not great at dirty talk* yeah you’re a terrible person.
didn’t receive my miso soup. how do i send a picture of something that didn’t arrive pls deliveroo?
4, crawling into bed with me at 3am: mommy? i had a nightmare
me: me too. what was yours?
4: ghosts were chasing me. what was yours?
me: that I didn’t have kids and I could get a full night’s sleep
4: you know nightmares aren’t real?
me: yeah, I do
be careful out there! #FiftyShadesOfGrey
Thank you for the lovely invitation card, I will be using it to remove spiders from my house for the foreseeable future.
Car commercials are always showing the cars driving like it’s supposed to impress me but I already know they can do that
When Cookie Monster stays in bed and eats cookies all day it’s hilarious and adorable.
But when I do it, people are all, “Excuse me, you’re making a mess. You’ve been here for hours and if you’re not going to buy a mattress, you have to leave.”
“So you’re a poet” says the waitress, gliding past. I vainly attempt to slow my reaction but knock over my beer trying to cover the words ‘glistening moose hips’
That awkward moment when you flirt with a guy whose staring at you in the Waffle House, but really he just died there with his eyes open…
If I ever run into my doppelgänger I’m going to steal his liver.
*checks BMI chart*
*adds “get taller” to New Year’s resolutions*
[first date with woman who has a kid]
HER: i’m a single mom
ME: yeah no shit, how many moms did you think i thought you were
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Is a personal shopper someone who just goes on Amazon for you now?
OPEN YOUR EYES, PEOPLE!!
AND LET ME TOUCH YOUR EYEBALL!!!
WHETHER OR NOT I’M AN EYE DOCTOR IS **IRRELEVANT**
My wife & I went to a costume party as each other. She walked around pointing at things, asking how much they cost. I showed up 2 hrs late.
I want to be the lady in the neighborhood that makes her neighbors slightly nervous…
“Did you see she bought a blowtorch the other day.”
“She told me she was going to paint a mural on the side of her house.”
doctor: im afraid we’re going to have to amputate a leg
flamingo: i’ll manage
spider: same
snake: i have a question
I’m the clinically crazy unpredictable one. The monster under my bed is probably telling his parents there’s a full blown psycho on the roof.
Hey small town pharmacy workers. I’m gonna need you to stop yelling about my meds as I am most certainly surrounded by former teachers, ex boyfriends, and/or relatives.
Watch out, fellow motorists! I’ve got fast-food in my hand and I’m not afraid to give it my full attention.
On the upside, my kids are helping with the dishes. On the downside, my kids are helping with the dishes.
Wife: I’m worried you love Harry Potter more than you love me.
Me: that’s riddikulus lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me: [pulls out Hermione Granger limited edition replica time-turner necklace] this better work.
Professor X: what’s your super power?
Me: hindsight
Professor X: that’s not going to help us
Me: yes I see that now
TAPE RECORDER: Your mission, should you choose to accept it
ME: *in my jammies* Mm, no.
FRIEND: can you hold my keys?
ME: no [pulling another fanny pack out of my fanny pack] but you can
I haven’t showered I’m wearing my clothes from yesterday I will undoubtedly run into someone I know at the store as I run in for milk.
Is Ham short for Hamuel or Hamantha?