Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

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*brings a full menstrual cup to a bank robbery

5YO: Daddy, did you play Roblox as a kid?

8YO: *Interrupting* He didn’t have Roblox when he was kid. He would just play outside.

*Both start laughing*

scientist: I’m gonna watch people sleep and count how many spiders they eat in a year

I am not on a plant based diet but my lungs are

You tell me to get off my high horse? Why dont you tell the damn horse to stop getting high all the time.. His drug problem isn’t my problem

You know what’s going to happen and it’s still funny every time 😂

you ever be washing a spoon and it wash u back?

My Grandma’s church was odd
in that they worshipped paintings.

Very weird.

Every week they would stand up
and sing “How Great Thou Art”

I was going to eat a salad today, but then I remembered I’m not a rabbit.

Email from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Voicemail from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Text from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Receptionist from the dental office in my kitchen during breakfast on Friday: You have an appt today at 2 pm

I got 50 ghost emojis from a dude on a dating app once because I said I didn’t think we had much in common after a couple dates. I don’t think that’s how ghosting works, pal.

Pulling up to another car at a stoplight in my 20’s: Turns up music.

Pulling up to another car at a stoplight in my 40’s: Turns down NPR.

#milo

[1st day as chef]
Waiter: table 3 want soufflé
Me [an hour later]: I can do toast, tell them they can have toast, it’s like bread but harder

Mom: So, do you have someone special in your life?

Me: Define “someone”

Mom: You know, a boyfriend.

Me: Define “boyfriend”

*ruins your party with a can of Serious String*

Saw Babygirl today and 40 minutes into the movie the old white guy sitting next to me turned to his wife and said, “this is not a Christmas movie,” and they got up and left. That’s the power of cinema, baby.

Me: I’m completely lost. What’s going on in this movie?

Him: Lin, I just hit play 90 seconds ago.

Me: Wow! New record.

I think polyamory will become a common thing, but not because of a social movement or an influencer. Because of inflation.

A cute guy at work wants to take you to dinner? Fantastic, that saves me like a hundred bucks. Bring back leftovers!

If you hold a cat by the tail you learn things you cannot learn any other way.

Natural selection at its finest

Someone screamed when they saw me naked for the first time to the other day

People at Costco really need to be less sensitive

Science will never be able to determine the number of sheep in a flock, because no observer can stay awake long enough.

*watching my hamster gnaw on his tiny broadsword*

you are a disgrace to your lineage and bring great shame upon this house

[ zombie desperately trying to feed a dollar into a glass elevator full of businessmen ]

[sees a meathead at the gym flipping a giant tire end over end]
ME: Put it on its side and it’ll roll, idiot

I had dreams. I wanted to be the heiress on the terrace. Instead I’m the grouch on the couch.

Please stop giving your dogs human names. My sons Buster & Lucky are getting pretty sensitive about this!