My neighbor said “I think the earth might be flat, sorry if I’m not politically correct.” no you’re just regular incorrect
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New healthcare plan in case Obamacare is defunded: the entire country pays for hospital bills by cooking meth.
therapist: you need to enjoy the little things
me: like ants
therapist: not exactly
me: [nodding] baby ants
[at a boat store]
Salesperson: Can i help you?
Me: (acting like I know what I’m doing) yes, I’d like to see your models that float please.
#BREAKING Egypt, Russia sign contract to build Egypt’s first nuclear plant
Me: Ew, what sort of shop is this? It just sells dead birds?
My cat: Pick out whatever you want, birthday boy. It’s on me.
Me: Yeah sorry, I never have my phone volume on, I just can’t deal with people
Boss: I don’t think you understand the concept of a “work phone”
*walks in on you sitting on the toilet* “Scooch over.”
Can we just call it Zealand now? How long has it been? Move on people
Dear check writer in front of me,
I am trying to remember this is how my grandmother would have paid and I would punch anyone who judged my grandma. You are making this harder.
COP: License and registration please.
ME: *hands him $30 in Kohl’s cash*
COP: What do you think you’re doing?
ME: *slides him 20% Bed Bath & Beyond coupon*
COP: Have a good night.
A funny thing to do would be to text random numbers with “I got the live bees you sent, they’ll do nicely”
Only thing I miss about life prior to this pandemic is going to people’s houses just to eat their food and then immediately leave
anytime anyone dunks on me on this app i’m like man :/ i bet if they took the time to get to know me they’d be able to dunk on me even harder and more specifically :///
*stands next to ATM and cheers every time someone wins money*
Story time
me: [trying to cheat in an exam]
teacher: I’m married
I bet there is a Home Alone script where the parents purposely leave for the airport without any of the kids.
Fired from my job as an autopsy technician for repeatedly asking “are you gonna eat that?” during the procedures.
best friend: the recording guy for our wedding cancelled on us
me: I can do it
best friend: thanks man!
[after the wedding]
best friend: *visibly angry* all you did was play that stupid flute the whole time
me: actually it’s a recorder
quitting my job to pursue my true passion: not having a job
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: My brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we fell out, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
its raining men! hallelu..*thud* omg are you ok? *thud* oh sweet jesus! *thud* *thud* oh the horror! *thud* WHY GOD? WHYYYY??
I grilled a chicken for two hours.
It still wouldn’t tell me why it crossed the road…
Who said “do something each day that scares you?” I need them to explain to my wife how I got a shark pregnant
Whenever I work out, I wear a push-up bra so I can do more push-ups. If I didn’t, it’d be so embarrassing and people would laugh at me.
If I ever saw a Tyrannosaurus Rex in real life , I’d be scared.
[on first date]
Let me get that for you.
*holds door open*
“May I help you, sir?”
Yes, my lady would like your finest soft taco supreme…
I’m close to breaking this whole thing wide open
“Okay Nancy, try it now.”
Me: *sees someone coming down hallway*
Them: Aimee! Hey!
Me: *turns and presses face against wall*
Them: Aimee?
Me: *closes eyes*