Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

So honored that @funTweeters chose one of my tweets! I absolutely love that site! #FF

I hate when that happens.

3% human
97% stress

[gets on Facebook]

[types “you pushed me away but expected me to stay”]

[everyone nods, this is considered extremely good shit on there]

Donald be careful.
Donald watch out.
Donald look both ways.
Donald Duck!

I’m ready to try another planet.

You say jump I say how high. You say run I say how fast. You say lets hang out I say no.

I just learned that ratatouille is a meal and not just a Pixar movie.

Accidentally spilled some rice on my iPhone, so am now going to have to leave it submerged in water overnight.

Bananas in Pajamas was so popular. I can’t figure out why my spinoff, Swiss Chards in Unitards, failed

And now for my next trick, I’ll turn your root canal into a ski vacation
Me: what?
My dentist: what?

I don’t homeschool my kids cause the only historic battle I know is the one between Biggie and Tupac.

ME: Sorry boss, I can’t make it in today. Because of Ebola.
BOSS: You have Ebola?
ME: No but someone does and I am FREAKING THE HELL OUT

What’s a random act of kindness you’ve done for a stranger recently? I helped a bunch of teens buy alcohol and cigarettes the other day

Sign in the elevator: Please keep 6-foot distance.

Width of elevator: 5 feet.

I bought a whole set of Ninja cookware and now I can’t find them.

if u hurt ur leg u can use the frozen veggies at whole foods as ice packs 4 free. hold on im getting an update from the manager. no u cannot

Barista: Latte for Waldo

Barista: Do we have a Waldo here

Barista: Where’s Waldo

Me: *proudly nudging a stranger* I did that

If you’re wondering if marriage gets more relaxed the longer it lasts, my parents have been together 36 years and my mother just yelled “WHY DO YOU SPEAK” at my father so I’m guessing the answer is no.

If you listen real closely, you can hear my alarm clock laughing as I set it.

Hey man, your fly is down. Let me get that for you

“AI is coming for your jobs” I’d like to see AI show up drunk on Fridays and sexually harass my coworkers

Ooops wrong house😂😜

i can’t work under these festive conditions

[knock on door]
Who is it?
“Jeff”
Jeff from work or Jeff who lies about his identity?
“Jeff from work”
[opens door]
“Sucker”

Got fired from Target for testing out the Nerf guns on their logo.

Every so often I’ll tell my son the car is making strange noises and that I need to listen just to get a break from hearing him talk.

I hate it when I’m outside & an insect lands & crawls on my glasses & for a split second I think aliens have invaded.

I played Dodgeball…

I got Bullied….

I ate Gluten…

I didn’t get Participation Trophies…

I turned out fine…

So will your kid…

Live each day like it’s going to be the opening line of your eulogy