My neighbor said “I think the earth might be flat, sorry if I’m not politically correct.” no you’re just regular incorrect
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You don’t love me. You just love my Looney Tunes jean jacket
My wife just looked over at me, dreamy look in her eyes, sighed deeply, and said ever so softly, “I love soup.”
Never ask a girl “How are you single?”
BECAUSE THEY WILL SHOW YOU
It’s Fat Bear Week, and they have been storing fat all year for the coming winter. Cute, considering that I’ve been doing that for decades and get absolutely no recognition
I picked up 13 from a function tonight and he brought back a whole pizza left over. I ate a slice on the way home. Then I realized oh shit I’m 40 and oh shit it’s 9pm.
Wife: Why is there a bouncy castle in the garden?
Me out of breath with no shoes on: I’m not sure.
Judge: How do you plead?
Me: Well, I can’t speak for the defendant—
J: Of course you can, you’re his attorney
M: Oh what fun! In that case, he’s clearly guilty as hell!
fleetwood mac implies the existence of fleetwood dennis, fleetwood charlie, fleetwood dee, and fleetwood frank
Kids, we can go to the pet expo BUT WE ARE NOT GETTING ANY ANIMALS. WE ALREADY HAVE A DOG
*leaves with two lizards, a fish & a baby giraffe
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
My neighbor won a hay show. Hay like in grass that livestock eats. There’s a show for it
Person: *wearing cargo shorts*
Kangaroo: that guy must have a lot of babies.
Me: you’re like heroin.
Her: Why? Because you’re addicted to me?
Me: No, because you’re ruining my life.
It’s wild how I barely notice the flavor of a cucumber when I bite into one, but when I taste an “infused” water I’m like BY JOVE, A CUCUMBER’S BEEN HERE I’D BET MY LIFE ON IT.
gm
Receiving multiple letters of complaint from the deer in my area. Apparently the deer whistles I put on my car were the sexist kind. I had no idea.
My daughter fell hard while we were hiking, so my 3-yr old niece starts punching the ground where she fell and yelling, “I don’t like you hurting my cousin!” She’s gonna be a bodyguard or a felon one day, folks. I’m just not sure which one yet.
My daughter picked up my husbands kettleball and tried swinging it and ended up knocking a hole in the wall. She looks over at me and says, “Is that okay?”
I’m like sure, we always wanted a hole in the wall so go on with ya bad self!
Some of my friends exercise every day, meanwhile I’m watching a show I don’t like because the remote fell on the floor.
If you want to receive a text message every 3 minutes for an hour, send your husband to the grocery store.
I want to be the kind of person who eats half a grapefruit for breakfast and runs every morning but I also want to be happy
Interviewer: Why do you want to work here?
Me: Revenge.
First date:
Me: Is this it? Are we HAVING THE SEX?!?
Him: that’s a breadstick
I’ve decided that I need to eat more vegetables, so I’m gonna make a carrot cake later.
Shut up and put on your matching Adidas track suit so everyone at Costco knows we’re a couple. Don’t make this weird.
I want to learn scuba diving but I’m terrified of the orchestral music in underwater documentaries.
Sometimes I put my cat in the sunroom hoping the coyote who lives out back will charge at it and bounce off the glass.
Get married and have kids so you can spend the rest of your life going “Who ate all the ________?”
The afternoons I spent on my hair.
Franz Kafka, 1912.
Me *at my office*: “Do you need someplace to put that out?”
Client: “I’m not smoking.”
Me: “No, I meant your kid.”