My neighbor said “nice skirt” so I said, “thanks, it helps me not blast Miley Cyrus at 6 in the morning, you should borrow it sometime.”
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They should really replace, “I now pronounce you man and wife” with “FINISH HIM!!”
would Iove a queer bar called something normal. Instead it’s like here I am spending another night at the gaping hole
Friend: PUMP THE BREAKS!
Me: YOU CAN DO IT BREAKS! I BELIEVE IN YOU!
Husband: *singing pop song*
Tween: Mom, do something.
Me: *starts dancing*
building forts as fast as I can but I’m running out of pillows
Superman and Batman probably had a lot of “capes in the toilet water” accidents when they went to take a dump.
“TURN DOWN FOR WHAT” my ears, fella…my ears.
My neighbor’s car alarm has apparently never heard the story of The Boy Who Cried Wolf.
Welcome to Backhanded Compliment Club, it’s so nice to meet people who don’t care how they look
I recently got invited to a party with lots of attractive people and learned that I am very good at being ignored by lots of attractive people
I had a dream about you. You were stupid there, too.
My 4yo wanted to show me how she’d put her little brother to bed. When we opened his door, he was up playing with toys. She cried NO YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO STAY IN BED and my oh my, how the tables have turned
[Surrounded by a million deer]
Genie: You said you wanted a million bucks.
Homer: D’oh.
Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.
have you guys heard of the butterfly effect, it’s when a small entity can have a nonlinear impact on an entire system, occasionally with severe consequences, like that time Rebecca Jones called me a “doodoo face” in 4th grade, then Chernobyl happened
i got lost and locked in a stairwell at the NYC office and all i can think about is this meme while i wait for someone to save me
I just read a thing that said I should compliment myself on my decisions, regardless of outcome. No thanks, I’m not the government.
What idiot called it the road to Bethlehem instead of the highway to the manger zone?
Dentist: *gives me numbing shot before my 7th root canal* I’ll be back with-
Me: Yes, I know…the drill.
If I had a party I wouldn’t tell you when to leave but there will be signs.
I had to walk behind my teenager during his zoom class in order to go to the bathroom and now his peers know that he has parents. THAT HE LIVES WITH. He’s obviously very upset. Please send him your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
[commercial for toilets]
°a man is walking around his house picking up turds°
There’s got to be a better way
A spider just tried to crawl across my hand and now how do you extract a fork from bone without causing more damage?
“Dad?”
“Yes, son?”
“Where do busboys come from?”
“Well, son. When a boy loves a bus very, very much…”
It’s like this photographer has never seen a woman bring a rotisserie chicken to her Boudoir session before.
If a Stork is responsible for bringing babies, what bird prevents them?
A Swallow.
[airport security]
wife: *fidgeting with wedding ring*
me: *emptying my cargo shorts pockets*
tsa agent:
tsa agent: why so many gameboys
[creation]
GOD: You guys are bees
BEE: Are we important?
GOD: Mankind would collapse without you
BEE: Can we fly?
GOD: No, it’s physically impossible cause you’re all too fat lol
BEE: …
GOD: Ok fine I’ll figure it out
love the comedy trope when someone is fired and they turn in their gun for a position that doesnt require one