My neighbor said, wow that skeleton looks almost real and I said I know and to think it was almost free.
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Fill in the blank song lyric “You are always on my __________”…
Wrong answers only !
doctor: you fell 5 feet and hit your head. you might have some brain damage
me: did i break my legs?
doctor: it was only 5 feet
me: and they’re ALL broken?!
Can’t. Just put my hair in a bun and that’s just about enough exercise for today.
God: Noah, I’d like to talk to you about the animals you have on the Ark
Noah: what’s wrong?
God: are you sure they aren’t all just dogs wearing different animal costumes
Noah: *with a dog sized elephant humping his leg* hahaha that’s crazy
me: looking for a dining table to enhance the ✨aesthetic👄 of my apartment
also me: egge?? 😮
I returned my 3D printer, but not before making a 3D printer with it.
[me telling my story how I survived a plane crash and lived on a deserted island for a year] it was crazy
[friend who once got a text from me where I accidentally called the grinch the grink] was the grink there?
I just want to be rich enough to hire someone whose job is to intercept callers and visitors and say “he’s in no condition to see anyone right now”
8 asked if he could draw my face and was super proud of the result.
Unrelated, he now lives with a neighbour.
*Googles “exercise apps for lazy people”*
*Downloads five apps*
That should do it for today.
The GF goes away for 10 days, *shits going to get wild
* sleeps in middle of bed
Me: *puts six steaks on the grill*
Wife: Don’t you think that’s too much? It’s just us and the kids.
Me: Wait, you guys are eating, too?
This lady in my bowling league was just hammering strikes and someone asked her “what kind of performance enhancers did you take before this” and she just says “Applebees Wings” and then just blows another strike right down broadway
I only keep Facebook for the birthday reminders and to randomly unfriend people so they wonder what they did wrong.
no, YOU’RE holding a fresh loaf of bread like a newborn baby
Feeling lazier than the guy who named the anteater
“What’s this thing eat? Cool.”
A little boy just screamed down the tube carriage “if you’re happy and you know it clap your hands” and everyone remained silent. I love London
Me: [eating apple & staring out window] It really works.
*roving gang of doctors walk past house*
*feral teacher crashes through window*
Now colored!
I deserve chocolate. I just deleted a comment on Facebook that would’ve led to a political fight.
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
Yogi Bear: You gonna eat that?
Hiker: THAT’S A BABY.
YB: And I’m a talking bear.
Hiker:
YB:
Hiker:
YB: So where are we on that baby?
An important phone call is something that occurs when there’s no better excuse to ignore someone.
Accidentally got two shots of hand sanitizer so if you need me I’ll be rubbing my hands together for the rest of my life.
Boss “Are you high?”
Me “If I was high could I do this?”
*Inserts a USB into it’s port the right way up 1st time”
I only look good from one angle and if someone could please tell me what that angle is I’d be grateful
Being bitten by a radioactive spider made Peter Parker suddenly fluent in karate & gymnastics…you know, just like a real spider.
I love twitter
Stop making fast and furious movies.
If my iPod doesn’t work in the next few minutes, I’m throwing it in the river.
It can either sync or swim.