@RunOldMan

My neighbor said, wow that skeleton looks almost real and I said I know and to think it was almost free.

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@QwertyJones3

INTERVIEWER: You worked in a NASCAR pit crew? How does that qualify you to work here at the Men’s Wearhou

*I’ve already changed his pants*

@Jenny4ashley

If my boyfriend ever cheated on me I’d be like omg I have a boyfriend πŸ™‚

@LurkAtHomeMom

3: *throws plate in sink
Me: but you barely ate!
3: yeah, I’m full…what are you eating?
Me: the same thing you had
3: can I have a bite?

@fro_vo

Me: i never know what to say
Friend: just say something nice

[later]

Date: hi
Me: 69

@david8hughes

[son’s football game]
Other dad: which one’s yours?
Me: I can’t remember. I just wait for him in the car when the games over

@treydayway

Kids these days won’t get the trauma of passing notes in class and hoping nobody reads it until it reaches the recipient.

@rodtopia

I once dated a woman who thought windmills were solar powered.

I’m so glad I don’t drink anymore.

@dadthatwrites

My kid says “absolutely” in every sentence. She never just “wears pants.” She’s “absolutely wearing pants.” She’s “absolutely eating cereal.” She “absolutely peed on the couch.”