@kelkulus
Idea for dieting: Fridges with mirrors.
@RunOldMan
My neighbor said, wow that skeleton looks almost real and I said I know and to think it was almost free.
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@kelkulus
@QwertyJones3
INTERVIEWER: You worked in a NASCAR pit crew? How does that qualify you to work here at the Men’s Wearhou
*I’ve already changed his pants*
@Jenny4ashley
If my boyfriend ever cheated on me I’d be like omg I have a boyfriend π
@LurkAtHomeMom
3: *throws plate in sink
Me: but you barely ate!
3: yeah, I’m full…what are you eating?
Me: the same thing you had
3: can I have a bite?
@BlondAmbitionTO
I thought there would be a lot more happiness and sun in “The Shining.”
@fro_vo
Me: i never know what to say
Friend: just say something nice[later]
Date: hi
Me: 69
@david8hughes
[son’s football game]
Other dad: which one’s yours?
Me: I can’t remember. I just wait for him in the car when the games over
@treydayway
Kids these days won’t get the trauma of passing notes in class and hoping nobody reads it until it reaches the recipient.
@rodtopia
I once dated a woman who thought windmills were solar powered.
I’m so glad I don’t drink anymore.
@dadthatwrites
My kid says “absolutely” in every sentence. She never just “wears pants.” She’s “absolutely wearing pants.” She’s “absolutely eating cereal.” She “absolutely peed on the couch.”