My neighbor said, wow that skeleton looks almost real and I said I know and to think it was almost free.

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INTERVIEWER: You worked in a NASCAR pit crew? How does that qualify you to work here at the Men’s Wearhou

*I’ve already changed his pants*


If my boyfriend ever cheated on me I’d be like omg I have a boyfriend πŸ™‚


3: *throws plate in sink
Me: but you barely ate!
3: yeah, I’m full…what are you eating?
Me: the same thing you had
3: can I have a bite?


Me: i never know what to say
Friend: just say something nice


Date: hi
Me: 69


[son’s football game]
Other dad: which one’s yours?
Me: I can’t remember. I just wait for him in the car when the games over


Kids these days won’t get the trauma of passing notes in class and hoping nobody reads it until it reaches the recipient.


I once dated a woman who thought windmills were solar powered.

I’m so glad I don’t drink anymore.


My kid says “absolutely” in every sentence. She never just “wears pants.” She’s “absolutely wearing pants.” She’s “absolutely eating cereal.” She “absolutely peed on the couch.”