Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m an old soul. I know this because when my ex left me she kept saying I was “real mature” while rolling her eyes in admiration.

152,000 people will die today but not the one you want.

If Ticketmaster had an outlet store, it would be called the $500 Dollar Tree.

People of my generation are always saying that they are shocked how little role quicksand plays in their lives, but I gotta tell you, knowing the difference between a stalagmite and a stalactite has not proved to be as critical as I expected either.

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again bc I have a terrible memory

Knowledge is like underwear. It is useful to have it, but it’s not necessary to show it off.

My husbands jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day he looked at my calendar and wanted to know who June was.

[Pharmacy]
Me: I need 50 packets of condoms
Pharmacist: Somebody has a busy weekend!
*I wink*
*cut to me making raincoats for my pet snakes*

me: omg I cannot WAIT for summer

also me: omg I’m soooo hot I am DYING

Ford vehicles names are more fun when you put “anal” in front of them..Probe, Explorer, Excursion, Endeavor, Ranger,etc

Just when the world was convinced Canadians were normal, we published a recipe for ketchup cake on our ketchup bottles.

now i lay me down to sleep
i pray the lord my soul to keep
and if i die before i wake
please hurl my phone into a lake

“First gay marriage. What’s next – people marrying dogs?!”

*nervous glance at dog

Dog: Frank, we’ve been over this. I like you as a friend

I don’t know who needs to hear this, but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them.

I love how people slow down and come to a complete stop to read the dammed traffic signs.

It says: STOP

You don’t need to study the dammed thing.

I pulled a hamstring and a pig fell from the ceiling and gave me a hug

It’s wild that your car has balloons but you only get to play with them if something bad happens

Dogs are like babies, you can’t actually tell people theirs is ugly.

Anyone else’s spouse dislike their pet name? My “wife for now” hates hers

Mormon: Want to hear about my religion?

Me: I already know. There can be only 1

Him: That’s Highlander

Me: Come back when you have swords

Me eating a dish that took me 17 ingredients and 4 hours of my day to make: This is pretty good!

Me eating bread with butter: I would fight god for this.

Her: Treat me mean, do bad things to me!

Me: *changes the WiFi password*

Hubs: Why are you spending so much time on Twitter lately?

Me: I need to find my people

Him: You have a family, we are your people

Me: *this is awkward* But I’m looking for people I actually like

[hospital]

“Will dad ever wake from his coma?”

WIFE: Of course dear [loudly] LET’S GO HOME TO ORGANIZE & RE-ARRANGE HIS TOOLS

DAD: I’M UP

the whole world: we might not recover from the covid era for another 2 to 3 years these are truly dark times

marketing people:

hate seeing people i know in public. go to a different public 😫

I have gained 8lbs and even though I’ve eaten a steady diet of junk food and sugar and only worked out three times in the last two months this seems really really unfair, you guys

“Oh. My. God.” – the first duck to eat bread.

when someone is trying to explain crypto to me for the third time and i’m trying to imagine their death in the most super-creative way possible

The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.