Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Why do I never crave carrots or broccoli at midnight? Why is it always some unhealthy shit like Taco Bell or pizza?

It’s always good to leave a few toilet paper remnants behind so he knows you’re a fastidious wiper.

I asked Mom how she’d like me to honor her when the time came.

She replied, “What makes you think I’m going out first?”

911: what is your emergency?
Me: HE READ BUT DIDN’T REPLY

Me: *disappointed* so an oral argument isn’t having make up sex after a row?

Lawyer:

Evil villain: You can run but you can’t hide!

Me: That’s where you’re wrong pal. *out of breath* I can’t do either

Roger Federer is a bit more than Rog Feder but is less than Rogest Federest

(in job interview)
my greatest strength is how quickly i can create a hostile work environment and my biggest weakness is that i love too deeply and im constantly befriending fake people. i have no experience as a barista.

I haven’t won anything since I did my kid’s fifth grade science fair project.

My favourite horror sitcom crossover was I Know What You Did Last Of The Summer Wine

A zombie apocalypse would barely make the news.

“Sir how should we sell scissors?”

SADISTIC CEO: Put them in tough plastic that..get this*cries with laughter* u have to open with scissors

Husband: Some weirdo broke into the house last night.
Wife: How do you know it was a weirdo?
Husband: They stole all my Bruno Mars drawings.

A horror movie but it’s just a married couple trying to work from home and one of them is chewing

*destroys head of lettuce*

*becomes new ruler of all lettuces*

the statue of liberty was a trojan horse thing but it was too hard to break out of and it’s full of skeletons now

My only real argument for having multiple children is that the older one will eventually be able to help the younger one with Common Core math.

time travel is only valuable to me if it helps me find where I put my keys

Men are like my peloton – I always think going for a ride is a good idea and then 5 mins in I’m sweating profusely and questioning everything

Welcome to Twitter, someone with cat ears & whiskers will be along shortly to explain why you’re wrong.

My 4yo tells me his toothpaste is “too spicy” but he doesn’t seem to be having any trouble with Flamin’ Hot Cheetos

I’d joined kids karate to crush them; I hadn’t thought of their strength in numbers. They were piling on like Gremlins. This was happening.

My parents were very inspirational, they used to say:

“You can do whatever you want in life, as long as you don’t do it here.”

I just saw a girl hang half her body out the window of her car to give someone the finger. She is my spirit animal.

[i bite into an apple and a swarm of bees comes flying out]
“this gives me an idea for a restaurant”

12 YEAR OLD: I wrote a movie script called Suicide Squad but it’s bad *throws in trash*
HOLLYWOOD PRODUCER: *walks by trash* Hey what’s this

It’s pretty stupid how tube socks come in a resealable bag as if I’m not going to eat them all in one sitting.

Me: Ok I’ll be back in 3 hours.

Boss: No, do it in your own time please.

Me: Ok I’ll be back in 12 Flinglongs.

I told a 5th grader during the school costume parade that I liked her Beetlejuice costume and she said she liked mine too but I’m not wearing one. Today she made a very mediocre enemy.

[loud bar]

Her: I have to urinate
Me: What?
H: Urinate
M: What?
H: URINATE!
M: Well, YOU’RE a 10!
H: Huh? No! You’re like a 5. I gotta pee.