My neighbor shouldn’t put up a fake graveyard for Halloween if she doesn’t want me getting drunk and performing Thriller every night at 2AM.
You Might Also Like
Ancient Greek mathematician Archimedes is known as the Father of Math, or as I like to call him, Math Daddy.
Me: I can’t afford to get my hair coloured at the salon this month. I’ll just do it myself at home.
Me: *half an hour later*
An adult trying to be mean has never hurt my feelings as much as a child just asking questions.
Yesterday a 5-year-old saw me without my glasses and, horrified, said “is that what you look like in real life??”
Murderer: what’s wrong?
Me: it really hurts
Murderer: oh sorry
*stabbing softens*
me: you can’t take all that candy to school
son: then what do I do with it?
me: you leave it here
son: with you?
What do you mean will I eat a whole rotisserie chicken? What do I look like, a guy who doesn’t eat whole rotisserie chickens?
My husband is lecturing me on cyber security which is hilarious coming from someone who has imslimshady1234 as his password.
Just got my first “let’s hold off on this conversation until the New Year” email. Absolutely ecstatic
Phew. Zero percent juice. That was a close call.
when i donate my body to science, they’ll be like ok do we have any other options?
Canada is the 6th most peaceful country in the world in 2018. Canadians wondering who we gotta fight to get closer to #1.
The afternoons I spent on my hair.
Franz Kafka, 1912.
Cop: Are you drunk? You were driving in the middle of 2 lanes
Me: No. I was pretending my car was Pacman eating the dotted line
As if ” cray cray” wasn’t irritating enough, people have started shortening it to ” cray”….that’s just stu stu
This is ridiculous: “www” contains THREE TIMES more syllables than the phrase it is ‘short’ for, “world wide web.”
[exchanging vows]
HIM: I’ll love you forever.
HER: I’ll love you until you leave me a voicemail.
HIM: Wait, what?!
PRIEST: No, that’s fair.
Whenever Sting goes in for surgery, I bet the doctors and nurses have a good chuckle calling it a sting operation.
I love the Olympics, but missing Dateline due to the Olympics sucks. One of these athletes better end up being a serial killer or something.
We haven’t seen the full damage this epidemic will cause, that will happen in about five to seven months with all of the gender reveal parties.
Had a really nice moment this morning with the postman as we held hands through the letterbox. Only slightly ruined by his screaming.
King’s men: well don’t just stand there, help us put this egg mf back together again
King’s horses:
Are they honking at me because I’m cute or because I can’t drive?
WIFE: What are you doing?
ME: IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE
WIFE: You’re giving the dog a manicure?
ME: No, technically this is a pedicure.
Looking forward to Jennifer Lopez and Ben Affleck getting back together again in 2044.
If not now, then when? If not you, then who?
— the pile laundry on my loveseat begging me to fold it
As a funeral director, I always tie the shoe laces together of the deceased.The zombie apocalypse will be hilarious.
My cat: thank you so much for the new luxurious window seat
Me: it’s literally a suitcase on a chair
My cat: it’s perfect I love it
My cat: the folded sweatpants on top are a nice touch too
You would think my neighbors would appreciate me petting their dogs every day.
But nooooo, they’re too worried about how I keep getting into their house.
Guys, please stop wearing Nasa shirts, I bet you can’t even name one of their songs