Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My inability to pronounce Spanish names makes me sad, and I’m not even Jaoquin.

4-year-old: The baby woke up all on her own.

Me: You didn’t wake her up by being loud?

4: No, I was very quiet while I tickled her.

i casually mentioned to my wife how ive started smiling with my eyes at work to signal no-threat and increase a sense of camaraderie and she’s like “what what do you mean smile with your eyes” and i showed her and she told me to never make that face again

Watching the Super Bowl because I’m a lifelong fan of knowing what everyone’s talking about the next couple days.

I bet when toy makers are coming up with ideas they focus on how much they hated their parents.

Tell me again why was it necessary to dress as Snow White & bring a basket of eggs to the delivery?

My daughter still doesn’t understand this math problem even though I’ve explained it in several different frustrated tones.

Why are coroners in movies always eating sandwiches? Anyway… Good Morning.

Someone hired a sloth with a knife to murder me, he’s in my driveway, so I have 6-8 months to live

I had my house renamed “Moderation” and now I can pretty much do whatever I want in here.

make parties more interesting by telling strangers “I want you to know that I personally have no problem with you being here”

sorry boys, but I’ve already got my eyes on a guy who’s not interested

A gorgeous woman’s been staring me down from across this cafe for an hour. The wildly handsome man directly behind me must be super jealous.

baby: a-a-
mom: his first word!
baby: According to all known laws of aviation, there is no way that a bee should be able to fly. Its wings are too small to get its fat little body off the grou

[in bed]

Her: *seductively whispering* in the mood for a midnight snack?
Me: *Oreo crumbs all over my face* I’m way ahead of you

What’s the difference between a sweet potato that you take out of an oven and a pig you throw out the window?

One is a heated yam, and the other is a yeeted ham….

Charlie Brown grew up to become a good grief counselor

Somedays I feel like running away.

Then I remember how much I hate running.

7: Mommy look!

Me: Ok

7: Look at me!

Me: I’m looking

7: Look!

Me: I AM!

7: Why aren’t you looking?!

Me: OMG I’m looking! I’m staring right at you!

7: Wow. You’ve got a temper

Me:

7: And staring is rude

if you wear camouflage on house hunters, the houses will never see you coming

*Panda walks into shop, “A packet of nuts please.”
Assistant: “pandas don’t eat nuts.”
-“dammit” panda suit opens and 36 squirrels run off.

If you’ve already seen a couple of chickens break up a couple of rabbits fighting today then just keep on scrolling…

My phone just filmed a 2 hour documentary about life inside my purse

It’s interesting that the emojis show the earth from three angles 🌎 🌍 🌏 but not the fourth.

Though 🔵 is a fair approximation of what it would look like.

People underestimate the Pacific.

I love comics. Bank robbers will wear a full ski mask, but super heroes will wear a tiny domino mask that barely covers any of their face.

“If crooks discover my identity, they’ll kill me or kidnap my family. I have an idea! I’ll hide the bridge of my nose with this pore strip!”

Cop: license & registration
Magician: Check this out *levitates license*
Cop: I see. Your license is suspended. Check THIS out
*$75 ticket*

I haven’t broken a mirror lately, but my water broke and I’ve had seven years of kids crawling into my bed

4 was mean to his brother so I read him a story about an unkind crab who becomes stuck in a trap. 4 asked, “Did this happen because the crab was mean?”

Sensing a good opportunity, I shut the book and said, “Yes. And they ate him. The end.”

Sleep well tonight, kid.

[Emergency Room]

MRS. PIÑATA: Will my husband make it, doc?

DOCTOR: We’ll do what we can but *slurping on sucker* he’s lost a lot of candy