My neighbor started mowing his yard at 6am so I opened all my windows and vacuumed because I don’t understand how revenge works.
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7yo: Is that you in the picture?
Me: Yes. Isn’t it fun looking at old pictures?
9yo: You look different.
7: Yes, your face was skinnier.
9: Your hair looks way better in the picture.
Me: That’s enough fun for one day.
i installed a ceiling fan in my room
my father has started calling me “daughter number one” either bc (1) im the firstborn daughter or (2) im his favorite daughter or (3) he forgot my name, which is what i tell my sister, “other daughter” & my brother, “boy daughter”
What doesn’t kill you leaves you feeling rejected and wondering why you weren’t good enough for death.
Shout out to the top 5 drops in the world, gum, rain, eaves, shop ’til you and you could hear a pin.
I met a girl that told me, “Make me laugh and I’m yours”.
So I pulled down my pants.
Apparently, she didn’t want to laugh that hard. 🙁
The Bachelor would be a much better show if there was one woman who was a secret saboteur actively trying to wreck The Bachelor’s life.
me: I think there may have been a mixup at the hospital. this isn’t my baby
him: mom I’m 35 years old
My bank balance is a gentle reminder that in a few years my twins will have to battle it out for one college place!
I am eggnogstic as in eggnog is my lord and savior
I took a spin class and it went amazingly- well, that’s what they TOLD me to say.
Don’t waste electricity. Would you
like it if I turned you on and walked
away?
A young musician left his
priceless Stradivarius violin
on a train in Germany.But it was returned…
no strings attached.Wait…what ?
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what’s your location
me: i’m in the cockpit
control tower: i mean where is the airplane
me: mainly behind me
I’ve spent days trying to make the perfect batch of homemade soap and I’m really starting to appreciate how much pressure Walter White was under.
I was going to pay $100/hour to see a psychic, but fortunately I found a huge bag of fortune cookies for $18.50 instead.
People who say all you need is love probably already stocked up on Doritos
The Twelve Days of Christmas would cost$107,000 this year which is relatively cheap considering the amount of human trafficking in the song.
Yeah breakups are sad but have you ever come home to find out you forgot to turn on your crockpot?
Kids, no one will ever understand you like your high school love. Get pregnant and marry them right away. You know better than everyone.
Sir, would you like to upgrade your $7 small popcorn to a large and get a soft drink for an additional $1200?
I’m a math truther now. Infinity is a lie. Numbers stop at 39.
All I’m saying is you’ll never find cheese in a recipe for disaster.
I don’t cheat on my diet by eating pizza, I cheat on my pizza by going on a diet.
I’d like to thank whomever told my mom that WTF means “wow that’s fantastic.” Her texts are so much more fun now.
*Takes drive down memory lane
*Gets a DUI
Shipwreck diary, Day 32,567: So, turns out I’m immortal.
Real sentence from a press release in my inbox: “Donald Trump lives, works, eats and employs people of all races and religions.”
If you add orange juice to Jason Momoa you get a Jason Mimosa.
[told I’m needed to fulfill an ancient prophecy] what’s the latest possible deadline