My neighbor still has their Christmas tree in the window when am I supposed to call the police?
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Me: Just a glass of water
Scientist waiter: You mean a glass of… yourself? You see, the body is made up of ok ok sit down I’ll bring it
my uncle ben died but it wasn’t my fault, do i still have to fight crime?
*jesus rubs his temples before giving a sermon*
anyone else feel like choking that seagull over there?
Friday night plans
*break into plastic surgeon’s office
*put goldfish in the silicone implants
*sneak away undetected
*giggle like a maniac
It reminds me of the time I walked in on my parents having sex and they tried to convince me they were lying on top of one another to see who was longer.
I just want everyone to know that when my mom was 24 she showed up to her Halloween work party dressed as Monica Lewinksy because she was sleeping with her boss.
“As an outsider, what’s your view on intelligence?”
[job interview]
“Why do you want to be a librarian?”
I like people
“What do you like about them?”
*whispers* I like telling them to shut up
Whenever someone is about to tell me about their day, I just cover my ears and yell “SPOILER ALERT!”
me: dating is hard
me on a date: the platypus doesn’t have teats so they sweat milk
Show your guy you love him by making him lasagna.
Write his name in the cheese.
Leave it on his porch.
His wife is home.
Write hers too.
Capitalism is far from perfect, but how would we find the beginning of a sentence without it?
What if Jesus was so chill because he was the only person alive unburdened by the knowledge that his parents had sex?
Is there a way I can filter out all work emails except the ones telling me there are donuts or cake in the office?
I’ve found that women are never, impressed by what guys think will impress them. Also I just ran out of gas doing donuts in the parking lot
Me: I save a bunch of time by not having to tie my shoes.
Her: What do you do with the time saved?
Me: *tying my dogs shoes* Sorry, what?
INTERVIEWER: It says here you can’t read
ME: thanks what else does it say
Shouldn’t octopus apendages be called eightacles?
I’m not getting fatter. I’m increasing my content.
BE HONEST.
the first time you ever saw the name “joaquin” you said “joe-a-quin” & then you heard it pronounced on tv & you were like what in the hell
*lies down in bed*
*closes eyes*
*gets comfortable and relaxes*Brain: *blows into mic* *tap tap* Okay, so where was I…
Obama: Who were you talking to before he came here for the meeting?
Biden: Young Metro.
Obama: Why did you call-
Biden: Shhh. I got this.
I just binge watched the first five episodes of Unscrupulent last night and it’s easily the best show I’ve ever made up in my mind.
[knocks on neighbor’s door]
HI CAN I COME TO YOUR YELLING PARTY
⚠️ Important Reminder:
Can I buy you a drink?
“I don’t drink.”
*panics* Oh. Um…well, here’s $12.
I have no idea what she’s talking about.
I’ve got 99 problems…
<snap>
98 problems.
<snap>
97 problems.
<snap>
96 problems.
<snap>BRB… I need to buy more mousetraps.
Her: If I get fat will you break up with me?
Me: No but you’re now just two more inane questions away from being buried in the garden.
I don’t sign anything if they don’t give me time to pretend to read it first.