Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I didn’t want to use the word “Orwellian” in a tweet until I was confident that I could use it properly, so here goes: Orwellian would be a cool name for a horse.

waiter: what’ll it be?

me: I’ll have chameleon

waiter: that’s not on the menu

me: how can you be sure?

So bored I just logged into my LinkedIn account.

Inventor of the ceiling fan: It has two speeds: off and Mach 2

Friend: What?

Inventor: There’s also a switch on it so no one will know which way it’s supposed to turn

Friend: Who hurt you?

Me: Why are you holding a fork?
Coworker: My toast is caught in the toaster.
Me: STOP!

*turns my chair to get a better view

Me: Carry on.

In my life Ive spent 90% of my money on drugs, drinking and women. The other 10% I wasted.

if harambe happened today it would be like the 40th thing down in the news. it wouldn’t even make the ticker

When I’m done eating… I have to show my hands to my cat like I’m a blackjack dealer

guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish

I’m writing code, not making diamonds. Continuing to apply more and more pressure will not produce a better outcome.

Just finished a 5k. It took me 4 days and was filled with snacks and naps but at least I finished.

Twitter went from everyone pushing each other on mood swings to pushing each other off cliffs really fast.

Your honor I object! That other lawyer is saying stuff that makes my client look guilty

Worst thing about having sex with a Canadian girl is having to sit through BOTH of our national anthems before we start.

there is no such thing as a “cool” 24 year old. there are 24 year olds who act like weird teenagers and 24 year olds who like, work at the bank. that’s it, there is no in between.

[fancy restaurant]

me: isn’t this dim lighting so romantic?

moth date: [shrugs]

my phone:
🍎 APPLE PAY: RECURRING TRANSACTION COMPLETE
$15.35

me, smiling serenely, closing my phone: “wonder what that’s for :)”

Dad: My mom warned me that nothing good ever happens after midnight.

Doctor: Sir, do you want to cut your baby’s umbilical cord or not?

2017: It can’t get worse than this

DAY ONE, 2018: A YouTube star filmed a dead body for entertainment

Being nice is exhausting, which is why evil people have so much energy.

Me: I’ve spent a whole quarter of this year isolated inside of my house.

Friend: I know. Lockdown has been really tough.

Me: What lockdown?

Sometimes I think I’m stupid then I remind myself: Would a stupid person spend years of their life on twitter? Yeah I didn’t think so…

I just couldn’t get into “The walking dead”. It was far too unrealistic and fake for me. I mean, come on, an Asian guy named Glenn???

The greatest trick the devil ever played
was offering a buy one get one free sale one day after you already purchased two at regular price.

I made a new rule at dinner tonight.

Every time my kids complained about my cooking, I gave them an extra helping.

It was the quietest meal we’ve had in months.

Grew up in a neighborhood so tough, all the kids put onions in their ‘no tears’ shampoo.

My dog probably thinks her name is Jesus Christ

Getting my second jab today. They’re making me sign a form confirming I’ve been repeatedly told the vaccine won’t allow me to survive being fired from a trebuchet into the tree where the squirrels took my mars bar.

trump is putting everyone who works at goldman sachs in the government so that there’s no one left to run GS and they go out of business

Never trust a man wearing more than 0 necklaces