my neighbor: the wife and i are having trouble in the bedroom
me: oh no, ghosts?
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The only thing worse than getting caught sneaking alcohol into the house by your wife is being called amateur by your teen son.
First day as a vet
Him: I need you to take a look at my turtle.
Me: the reptile dysfunction?
Why are the people on soap operas always CEOs?
Nobody works at Walmart?
Her: How long can you last in bed?
Me: Oh gosh like a really long time! I love my bed. I mean I could literally sleep and lay around for days.
Interviewer: It says here you’re good at making up words. How often do you find that useful?
Me: Contuitively.
I noticed you’re eating that bag of popcorn one piece at a time.
So how many people have you murdered?
Never know who you’ll run into at the gas station!
“So, why do you want to be a veterinarian?”
[pictures an army of cyborg dogs with laser eyes and jet packs]
…I love to help animals.
Forever grateful that thought bubbles aren’t a real thing
my father: enjoying the marching band?
me: yes 🙂
my father: when you grow up will you be the savior of the broken, beaten, and damned and defeat your demons & nonbelievers? cuz one day i’ll leave you, a phantom to-
me: feels like youve got some of your own stuff going on here
her: and what do you do?
me: I’m a mail escort
postal worker: I won’t tell you again, I don’t need you following me everywhere!
If your husband didn’t just take down an old shower curtain, wear it as a cape, then run around yelling “I am Captain Mildew!” then you are not me.
{first date}
Me: On my ACTUAL first date, Brian Beckwith caught a turtle for me and kissed me on the cheek
Date:…
Me: I’ve been chasing that high since kindergarten
Date: *leaves*
I texted someone “hell yeah,” but autocorrect changed it to “hell year” because even our phones know.
Son, it’s ur 18th birthday, so I got u a brand new car…
“OMG DAD. WOW-”
…dboard box.
“But-”
Pack up, ur moving out birthday boy.
[Riding carousel]
Her: um, we should move on
Me: *drunkenly trying to feed horse sugar packets* hold on, he just needs to get used to me.
[at restaurant]
Gorgeous hostess: Happy Valentine’s Day! How many?
Me: Just one, thanks.
Wife (clears throat): Two.
“NEVER MIND, WE GOT ONE.”
What do we want?
“A TIME MACHINE.”
When do we want it?
Danger is very dangerous
Don’t sweat the small stuff. Don’t sweat the medium or large stuff either. Stop perspiring on everything. Take your sweaty ass elsewhere.
I found £20 laying on the ground and I asked myself, what would Jesus do? 🤔
So, I turned it into wine.
Scientists: we have invented healthy food
Me: are you sure it’s healthy
Scientists: …no
Me: are you sure it’s food
Scientists: …no
My husband accepted an invite to a bbq for us and said we would bring a salad, like “we” has anything to do with it.
Hair pulling during sex is hot unless the whole wig comes off.
A guy on a scooter just yelled at me for being on my phone at a red light so I yelled at him for being on a scooter
officer it’s my son’s car
“just make it stop sir”
I don’t know how
“can you call him”
I’ll try
*tries to dial while car bounces up and down*
My dog turning immediately around at the door when he sees the rain like eight-year-old me when I saw my first outhouse at daycamp. No thank you I’m good.
[ER]
Dr: …major cardiac event, you must improve your diet
Me: But I eat tons of fruit and veg
D: Such as?
M: I have ketchup on everything, salad in burgers, pineapple on pizza, a Bloody Mary at breakf—
D: *switching off life support* Nurse, record time of death as imminent
Women love to say “sexy AF”
or “hot AF” on Twitter ….If I’d known being in the Air Force
was that hot…I’d have stayed in !
legally you can do anything in a library as long as you’re quiet