Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you don’t fall in love with me, I’ll write poetry about you until you regret it.

I swatted at a bee today and my daughter called me a buzzkill.

i just took the price tag off of a gift i will be giving to my cat

Found a mystery grape in my building today. Gonna ask it questions like a crystal ball.

Don’t make me angry. You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry. Yes I remain sweet & quiet but on the inside I’m composing a strongly worded email

when my period ends and i’m done with all the overly emotional outbursts

My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.

Not to be all get off my lawn about it but at what point are we going to decide that maybe our vacuums and our refrigerators don’t need to connect to the internet and I shouldn’t need to have a password to do my laundry.

I’m going to get so many free clothes when the rapture comes.

ME: eat your veggies so you grow up big and strong

SON: *looks me up and down* you didn’t eat your veggies, did you

ME: *under breath* damn, son

i need to stop taking melatonin before bed because it is giving me fever dreams. last night i dreamed i made a billboard #1 hit single and the only lyric i can still remember is “smokin on that shit that made gumby pregnant”

My girlfriend does not want to split the gallon of milk I smuggled into the movie theater for us 😔

One day I want to wear jeans to the gym, just to watch the outrage.

Had a customer in tonight moaning that the tyre pressure machine was free but now we charge 50p.

I shrugged and said “that’s inflation” and he didn’t even laugh why do I even bother?

Greatest “Bad at sex” tweets of 2019

Choose your fighter!

“Was he better than me?”
“Joe, don’t.”
“I have a right to know!”
“No, he wasn’t better than you.”
[god appears]
“Mary, what the hell?”

Hi, I’m Angie.
You may remember me from such instances as: Where did all the vodka go? Is ur friend ok? Or: Who’s responsible for this girl?

If the zombie apocalypse happens we’re double screwed because at least 70 million are on record as having no brain

Maybe if y’all stopped complaining about Mondays and speaking the negativity into existence, your Mondays wouldn’t be so bad

I possess a devastating combination of perfectionism and incompetence

“I had the worst Cruise ever.” – Katie Holmes

My wife tried on my cargo shorts and now they have fake pockets.

The people at this winery are acting like they’ve never seen someone pull a rotisserie chicken out of a purse before.

My shoes have cute flowers on them so of course I’m looking at those instead of watching where I’m going

Nobody ever writes about Moby Niceguy.

cashier: alright, you have a good day now!
me (offended, grabbing my 2 40s & box of donuts): I’ll do nothing of the sort

If you ever come across a bear in the wild, throw a tiny bicycle at him.
Then, just let his circus instincts take care of the rest.

I’d pay good monkey to see that!
You mean, good money?
*squints*
You hard of hearing or something?

accidentally put my phone on airplane mode when i was in my car and the tires fell off

I swear people go to Starbucks and just say random words…

“Lemme get a grande iced mocha no foam quad soy hexagon vortex hypothesis with steamed ice”.