my neighbor: the wife and i are having trouble in the bedroom
me: oh no, ghosts?
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God: Build an ark
Noah: For?
God: Animals and shit I dunno[earlier]
Devil: Bet you can’t trick someone into building an ark
God: Game on.
Snuck a peak at my therapist’s notepad after telling her about my childhood, and it was just dollar signs.
Some tattoo artists need to just say, “no, I’m not doing this shit.”
When one door closes, I lock it.
I’m not chancing someone else getting in.
Don’t run with bagpipes. You could put an aye out. Or worse yet, get kilt.
Please don’t delete your tweet. Yes, it was pretty stupid, but my reply to it was a masterpiece.
[in Starbucks]
“It’s Ian with one i”.
“We only need your first name Mr Wivwanaye”.
Wife: We get 1 “cheat meal” on our diet. I want tacos. What do you want?
Me: The waitress.…And that’s why I’m not getting laid tonight.
nurse: I’m pretty sure he’s dead
me: let’s find out
nurse: but he-
me: SWEET CAROLINE
nurse: what are u-
me: shhhhh
patient: [faintly] ba ba ba
me: nope
When I die, I want to be buried with a few random animal bones so archeologists 1,000 yrs from now will wonder what the hell I was
I’m like a swan. But not in the elegant grace way, in the way I’m surprisingly violent if you get between me and bread.
Sex in movies is so fake because they never show the part where I ask him to stop for a minute because I’m out of shape and out of breath.
Friend: Actually I met my partner on Twitter!
Me: I’m so sorry. Here if you need to talk ❤️
Friend: …no? It’s a good thing?
Me: *hand on their shoulder* Sure it is buddy
can’t, I’m burning the Never Going to Give You Up video onto a DVD, labeling it “Important Information” and going to include it with my will so that I can get in one last Rick Roll in
An 8 year old just asked me why people in electric cars don’t get electrocuted when it rains and now we’re checking Google
If this doesn’t sum up England nothing will 😂😂 #snow #weather #uk
[in court during a murder trial]
hotdog vendor: HOOTTT DOOGGG
me: right here
[at the club]
Bouncer: Sir, you can’t bring that it in
Me: Ok (taking off nunchucks)
Bouncer: No, those are okay…take off the fanny pack
in chinese “māo” means cat so when we meow at our kitties we’re just shrieking CAT at various frequencies
“Why do raisins have an expiration date? What’s gonna happen, they get shrivelier??”
Interviewer:…
“Oh you mean questions about the job!”
Being a little kid must be so wild. You just learned that chicken nuggets come from chickens, your mom’s brother is your uncle, and your teeth will soon start to fall out.
I keep a key hidden in a hollowed out section of a gallon of Neopolitan ice cream, & it opens a secret door in the back of my freezer where I keep even more ice cream
I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.
Auto correct changed “dingo” into “condom” which is still accurate. The condom did kind of eat my baby. All my babies.
Hey Billy Joel it’s called a pianist.
[nail salon]
Excuse me, do you do filing here?
“Yes of course we do!”
Great! I need a good refund
*hands over tax forms*
Saw a video for vegan cauliflower icecream on fb and heard the four horsemen of the apocalypse thunder overhead.
Not sure why some white people use black slang when they have phrases like, “newsflash pal”
“Hey, we see that everything you’ve ever watched has been in English, may we suggest something in German?”
-Netflix.
is this a threat
