my neighbor: the wife and i are having trouble in the bedroom
me: oh no, ghosts?
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Doctor said only clear liquids before surgery. Vodka should qualify just fine.
TENNIS BOYFRIEND: You deserve love
TENNIS GIRLFRIEND: That’s so mean
I hate commas its not my job to tell you when you breathe work it out youre a grown adult
Starting my diet and training tomorrow; hope I can count on your support and prayers that I die in my sleep. Please RT.
I’m going to be a piñata for Halloween: nearly broke & full of candy
*stares at phone for 3 hours*
*puts phone down, reads book for 5 minutes*
*glances up from book*
Wow, look at all these braindead fools glued to their phones
I prefer my cornbread like I do my jokes: Corny and on the dry side.
Officer: Did u know your back light is out
Me: I don’t know if you noticed… I’m inside the car. You had a bit of an advantage
M: *hands you back your baby*
Aw, is he getting too heavy?
M: Heavy? No, he smells like old people and raisins.
FORENSIC SCIENTIST: The killer is a Chimpanzee.
COP: How can you be sure?
GWEN STEFANI: *looking up from microscope* This shit is bananas.
Remember back when we knew the 7- or 10-digit phone numbers for ALL our friends and family. Now the only phone number I know is 911.
My card got declined at the barbershop so they put all the hair in my mouth and squeezed me until it came out of my head
[boiling pot]
dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off
I don’t get vegetables on my pizza because I don’t like mixing business with pleasure
Remember two years ago when we found out aliens exist but were too busy fighting over toilet paper to care? Good times.
I only Googled how to make a bomb so I can be sure I don’t accidentally have bomb making equipment in my house that would get me arrested in a surprise police raid.
Cop: And yet, here we are…
[at the office]
Secretary: There’s a fax here for you.
Me: When did it arrive?
Secretary: 1983.
Me: Great. Let me know when the pony express pulls up with the mail from 1861.
After I tucked my 3yo into bed he handed me his water cup and said “you can freshen this on your way out”. I updated my resume to reflect my experience running a hotel.
My resume reads like an oddly formatted apology letter
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
The walls in my panic room are painted beige so I’m panicking but bored about it.
Neighbor’s rooster hacks & crows like he’s been a lifelong smoker
manipulators b like yes i hurt u but now u hate me so I’m the true victim
it’s called boxing because smash mouth was taken
I’ve traveled all around America and one of the craziest things to me is just how many places it’s perfectly normal for adult men to pretend to be cowboys
honestly the best covid defense mechanism is just to smell really terrible when you leave the house. put on a shirt you get really sweaty in during a manic episode, the pheremone stench will give you a wide berth at the post office
Old enough to remember when infectious laughter had a positive connotation
[Being murdered]
(with every stab, i move my body so that the murderer strikes acupuncture points which, to his dismay, makes me feel great)
[farm]
SON: *crying*
ME: Look, I told you not to get attached to the animals because eventually we have to eat them
SON *running away*: I HATE YOU!!
ME: He’s taking it pretty hard… but I did warn him
WIFE: None of us thought you meant the dog
[creating seals]
Angel: It’s been a long day, how about just one more thing?
God: Give that dog a wetsuit & lets go the pub.