If I were a kidnapper, I’d drive around telling adults there’s naps in the van.
You Might Also Like
I don’t want clothes that spark joy. I want clothes in which I can pause in a doorway, look over a shoulder, and utter something devastating before exiting.
Ever look at someone and think you could spend the rest of your life saying. “What?” to this person?
Q: Why isn’t the moon hairy?
A: Because it waxes every month.
Toddler: I don’t like you. *hits*
Adult: I don’t like you. *tracks your movements for the rest of your life*
“We can’t hire you. We’re trying to get more diverse”
ME: But I’m Hispanic
[A bear walks in wearing a fresh Hooters outfit]
ME: Aw man
Interviewer: Give an example of a difficult scenario &how you handled it.
Me: I poured a bowl of cereal, but had no milk. I used ice cream.
Hey kids, remember the feeling you got when you cleaned your room without being asked and no one noticed? That’s what adulthood’s like.
Funny because it’s true. 🤣
“More people are killed by toasters than sharks”. So if you’re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster, you’re in big trouble.
There should be an Uber for somebody to come over and wrap all your presents.
[emailing eHarmony match]
Her: describe yourself
Me: brown hair, kinda stalky
Her: lol you mean stocky
Me [through her bedroom window]: No
I’d love to have a sex change. Preferably from ‘none’ to ‘absolutely shitloads’.
Tequila is made from a plant so you could say I’ve been vegan so far this weekend
Condoleeza Rice’s less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.
I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
tfw you’re leaving the party but nobody notices
Me: what kind of birthday cake do you want?
7: I want a big Star Wars cake with blue frosting at the top and green frosting at the bottom, little stars all over, a baby yoda on top and when you cut it open, M&M’s flow out like a waterfall.
Me: I meant chocolate or vanilla.
*When you can teleport through your phone*
Hello! Can you here me?
Pee pressure > peer pressure
The neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the creepy guy & I’m the only one not invited. Weird.
In today’s modern work world employees, even those working remotely, can call in and key in their hours over the phone. It’s a big change from prehistoric times when Fred Flintstone would clock in and out in person with a physical punch card made of stone.
Why do people send an @ just to be nasty. Oh yeah, because they are thick dumb cunts who have no life. Glad I cleared that up.
the compUtah Maineframe has crashed and Idaho how to fix it. Alaska round to find out Hawaii it happened. Are Delaware of the situation?
Is the female equivalent of a douchebag a douchebaguette?
[inventing that little handle inside the car]
engineer: what if there was a way for the driver’s mother to wordlessly express her mortal terror?
Watching the end credits of a movie so you can take note of the producer & director and never ever watch anything else that they make
●︿●
You’re not impressing anyone, server who didn’t write down our orders. You’re just making us anxious.
let me be very clear: i would rather attend a Pig’s wedding than attempt to sift through the dumpster you people have made out of my dm box,
A man offered to help me put my groceries in the car & I was all like, “Nice try, Ted Bundy.”