@kwirkyKerri

My neighbor thinks I’m generous because I gave her a bunch of stuff from my freezer. Actually I was just making more room for the vodka.

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@thedadvocate01

What if we misunderstood the expression? What if it’s not time that heals all wounds but thyme, the herb, that holds mystical healing powers? And all this time God has been shouting from heaven “You idiots! Just sprinkle thyme on it!!”

Wouldn’t that be something?

@sixfootcandy

Me: I’ll just take a regular bikini wax. Or should I go Brazilian? What do you think?

Nurse: Ma’am, I’m just here to take out your catheter.

@SteveSuckington

They say you should play dead if a bear attacks you. That shouldn’t be that hard once he snaps your torso in half.

@amydillon

“Sorry I was skeptical about your cough.”

-my new line of Get Well cards

@AtCouchyB

*flipping through recipes*

I’m not going to twice bake anything my family won’t take twice as long to eat.

@YourDailyGroan

I believe in workplace drug testing.

That’s why I slipped Ambien and Ex-Lax into my boss’ coffee.

Let’s test which one works faster.

@Desert_Musings

What happens when you wear flowy sleeves? They get caught on every doorknob you walk past.

@PinkCamoTO

The journey of 1000 miles begins with a single step. They never tell you it’s downhill and you’ll be wearing slippers when it happens.