My neighbor thinks that the coyotes are back. When should I tell her that it was just 11 running around the backyard howling at the moon for no reason?
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Chuffed as chips with my new Apple watch!
“This is the fourth lot of bacon to go missing this week. It can only mean one thing.”
“What’s that Sarge?”
“Someone’s building a pig.”
New Password: Elephants
<Not strong enough>
New Password: Ants
<Too strong>
New Password: BabyBearsPorridge
<Just right>
Just go ahead and put “She always had to pee” on my tombstone, because that’s how everyone’s going to remember me.
A disloyal friend will shank you without hesitation, but a really good friend will think long and hard about it and then shank you.
I wish this was real life…
Helping my daughter study for her geology exam, and apparently ‘hard’ ‘classic’ and ‘punk’ AREN’T the 3 different types of rock.
Who knew.
The lion king: 🎶it’s the circle of life!
The lyin king: so yeah he just fell off that cliff
Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.
I just come here for the free life advice and inspirational quotes from people who’s lives are complete train wrecks.
him: hands up, this is a robbery!
me *looks around* it’s actually a bank
Why do people always talk in absolutes? I would never do that. It’s the worst.
Son: Daddy are we poor?
Me: *scraping his macaroni art into stove pan* Did your mother tell you that?
ME: I need a new phone, this one got wet
VERIZON: How’d you get it wet
ME: I talked dirty to it
HIM: ……
ME: Water asshole. How else?
[first date]
Him: I live with my mom.
Me: Living or dead?
In a car crash a dog would rescue you.
However a cat would pour liquor over your face and testify against you in court.
When are they going to drug test the audience of “The Price Is Right.”? No one should be that happy.
Boss: I’ve received complaints about your AA meetings
Me: too boring, right?
Boss: no, but the complimentary champagne needs to stop
Me: why are there so many rednecks at this bar
Vampire: *shifting guiltily* haha yeah weird
People don’t frolic enough anymore.
FROLIC YOU PIECES OF SHIT
Most adults have thirty-two teeth but you can have as many as you like if your pockets are big enough
I text my husband approximately 35 times per day with a rate of about 1 response per 5 texts.
Husband, after I put my phone down for 3 minutes and one “Hi” text from him goes unanswered:
HELLOOOOOOOOOO WHERE ARE YOU?!!??! HELLOOOOOOOOOO ARE YOU OK
FRED: right
An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth. But a tooth is worth half an eye, so an eye for two teeth also works, if you’re out of eyes.
Next time my 5 y/o says “Daddy, guess what?”, I’m going to refuse to let her continue until I can actually guess, even if it takes 7 years.
Digital security in Ancient Troy
it’s dangerous to go alone. take this with you
Please keep me in your thoughts and prayers right now. Nothing is going on, I’m just a narcissist.
Bad news world, my biker gang ‘The Sons Of Panicky’ are finally back out on the streets and oh my god the traffic is SO heavy, maybe we should go back and try again tomorrow
My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school