@IDontSpeakWhine

My neighbor thinks that the coyotes are back. When should I tell her that it was just 11 running around the backyard howling at the moon for no reason?

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@apok842

I hope Hell freezes over soon. A few women have promised me dates when it happens.

@Marlebean

Oops, I “accidentally” left my in-laws at the grocery store. Darn. I guess I’ll just have to get them Monday on the way back to the airport.

@anerdonfire2

Let’s just say she wasn’t impressed when I picked her up in my go-kart.

@mack44_d

*phone rings*

Menacing voice: ‘Have you checked the children?’

Me: ‘Could you do it?’

@JohnLyonTweets

I just brushed my hair while wearing a fuzzy sweater and now I can make a streetlight come on by touching it.

@TheHatStore

king arthur: has anyone seen the guy who cuts open everyone’s boils

*knights murmuring*

sir lancelot: I’m here your majesty

@blacksab67

Sarah Palin being on a climate change panel with Bill Nye is like Sarah Palin being on a climate change panel with Bill Nye.