My neighbor threw away a stair lift. Unrelated, I can now go from my couch to the bathroom without walking.
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[laying on the office couch]
Therapist: “Tell me about your childhood.”
Me: “Ok, but when does the foot massage begin?”
In Canada at our Black Friday sales we fight to see who gets to hold the door open for others.
Me: OMG, what a great day!
Anxiety: Wait for it…
Satan: welcome to hell, the WiFi password is-
Me: wait you have WiFi?
Satan: of course.
Me: well that’s not so bad.
Satan: as I was saying the WiFi password is Pi.
My goal weight is:
2020 never happened.
Penguins can’t fly. Sometimes I get bummed out thinking about that. But then I remember I don’t have to clean penguin shit off my car.
Just randomly thinking about the guy I dated that broke up with me because I used a chicken tender like a spoon to eat mashed potatoes
If I was hanging off a cliff for my life and you told me to take your hand I would stop screaming to tell you I’m afraid of intimacy
Looks like someone’s thrown Yoda through a window.
Girls will be like, “You don’t mind if I put something of yours in my mouth, do you?”
And then they eat all your fries.
Mission: Impossible
My life would be so much easier if it wasn’t for that thing…God, what is that thing called…other people.
OK, guy with the two kayaks and two bikes strapped to his Subaru Outback: settle down. Save some outdoors for the rest of us.
We’re gathered here today to mourn the loss of Derek. His last words were “Watch me try and keep my eyes open while sneezing!”
I stole a podium. I’m finally taking a stand.
(Listen, I am very stoned and this is hilarious to me)
When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.
I know this now.
HER: I can’t be with a guy who thinks he’s Optimus Prime
ME: I can change Becky
HER: promise?
ME: into a semi truck
If you still had hope for kids today, a teenager in a bookstore pointed to a book title and asked me if it was about World War Two or Eleven
*man choking*
Is there a doc in the house?
*Dr Pepper rises*
*searches man’s pockets*
Hey ur no doctor!
*moustache falls off*
*it’s Mr Pibb*
Unpopular opinion: I want bathroom scented candles to be called john wicks
Some people can start a task and then just finish it instead of trying to do a hundred things at once like a squirrel on crack
Do as I scooby say, not as I scooby doo.
*me to my dog.
You’re not a real family unless you all have different names for the same dog.
I’m not saying I don’t miss my kids while I’m at work but it’s nice knowing with absolute certainty that for the eight hours I’m there no one will try to follow me into the bathroom.
Me: I’m here to collect my pre-demon.
Lady: Sir, at this animal shelter, we call them kittens.
Have you been working out? You look amazing! You should be a supermodel. I ran over your dog.
I like to think that all my unfollowers have violated their parole and been sent back to the big house. Just kidding, I hope they’re dead.
I’ve fallen in love on Twitter and I think the 7 of us will be very happy together
like idgaf i’ll tell you goodnight at 3pm if you piss me off.