My neighbor threw away a stair lift. Unrelated, I can now go from my couch to the bathroom without walking.
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me: [lists something on fb marketplace for $400 that’s worth $1,000 new.]
person: take $6??
Me making new accounts to get the free first month subscription:
ME: I make all my decisions by rolling dice
DATE: Ok
WAITER: Can I get you any drinks?
ME: Yes I’ll have-
[rolls dice]
-six beers please
If your rice gets wet, just put it in a bag of phones.
I think it’s bad coaching to tell kids to choke up on the bat. matter of fact i don’t think children should be eating baseball bats at all.
Are any of my friends mechanics? Been having a weird car trouble when driving into work; my car just drives past my workplace and drives straight to the beach instead.
Hubby asked me to role play sexy maid but was sold out
*Dressed up like David Spade from Tommy Boy
“HOUSEKEEPING, YOU WANT ME FLUFF PILLOW”
POV: Your company’s HR director is about to fire you on a Zoom call
I like men who play hard to get.
So when my Fiancé called off the wedding and started dating my Brother, I knew he was the one for me.
I’m sorry you think my tweets are shitty. You probably shouldn’t have inspired them.
My very religious-minded FB friend posted that she and her daughter were going to Netflix and chill today. I don’t have the heart to tell her.
Boss: You can’t or you won’t do it?
Me: Yes
I can’t believe one of you losers hasn’t married me yet
Spoil any movie by telling ur friend “Ice Cube dies” before they watch it. They’ll be waiting for Ice Cube to appear and die the whole time
Boy, I’m gonna treat you like a curling iron. Turn you on. Get you all hot. Forget about you. Leave for work. And burn the house down.
Bread bowls are not dishwasher safe. I know that now.
My 6yo is excited at the possibility of being a ghost, but wants to know if her toys will remain real toys or become ghost toys
SENATOR: “Would you agree that it’s bad for Facebook to steal users’ blood and use it to create a clone army?”
ZUCK: “That’s an interesting question that I’ll have to discuss further with our team. Did you know I started this company in my dorm room?”
Interviewer: tell me about your leadership skills
Me: YOU tell ME about my leadership skills
Interviewer: holy shit, you’re hired
Me: I’m sorry, we have to let you go
Interviewer: dammit
My friend is looking for a single, normal, well adjusted man. I told her to avoid twitter.
Greatest “Bad at sex” tweets of 2019
Choose your fighter!
Happy Birthday to me. 27 years old… in Spice Girl years.
When angered, the female can text message at speeds of up to 1,600 words per minute.
Why hasn’t somebody opened a coffee shop next to a courthouse called ‘On What Grounds?’ Send
“I Didn’t Want This But I Ate it Anyway to Keep Myself from Eating the Worse Thing and Then I Ate That Too”, an autobiography.
Brenda had wanted to surprise her husband with a camouflage theme Christmas tree but it’s almost March and they still can’t find it.
Turns out, it’s hard to say ‘Whoopdeedoo’ without sounding sarcastic.
Me when my husband says, “let’s go to the gym”
Don’t get it. Heard the phrase “keep your friends clothes & keep your enemies clothes, sir”. Now I have a bunch of naked people angry at me.