Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Twitter is fun because you get to be like, “Ducks are good” and someone in your mentions will go, “Um, I’m sorry but my brother is married to a duck scientist and this is a harmful view” and then someone else pops up going, “Your silence about horses is extremely telling”

There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, but only one Superman.

So, in answer to your question… It’s probably a bird.

It’s World Chocolate Day, and the latest research into human longevity shows that eating dark chocolate and drinking red wine can significantly increase your chances of enjoying yourself while you’re still here

husband [joking]: i know someone going to a military school

15 [not joking]: i know someone going to a nursing home

It is with a heavy heart that I announce I will no longer be accepting mayonnaise as a form of payment because SOME of you *glares at the crowd* made it weird.

So all them black Harry Potter wizards just sat there and let slavery happen?

Just saw a sign in a car saying “Baby On Board”

That’s no way to run a business, is it?

Presumably it’s a non-executive role.

[Out at a restaurant and police officers walk by our table]

Me: Hey kids, say hi to the police.

6yo: Are these the guys you told me yesterday to not tell that you went through a red light?

Nothing’s labeled clearly, I was promised tea & never got any, the criminal justice system is barbaric.

~ Alice’s Yelp review of Wonderland

Next time a dude says “Pictures or it didn’t happen”, punch them in the throat, take a pic, and tell a story about a guy you throat punched.

In case you ever worry you spend to much money on dumb things you should know they’re still making Grey’s Anatomy

cops: we’re gonna test your blood for drugs

me: lol why? my blood didn’t do any drugs, i did

Weather app: The dew point is 20.

Me, being lazy: The do point is 0.

My son came home for spring break with all clean clothes and doesn’t need me to do his laundry and I am just so very, very confused.

I was very disappointed when I found out drinking alcohol doesn’t actually kill brain cells, I was hoping to join a political party one day.

When life hands you 3 kids…..

You add the lemons to some vodka and hide in the closet.

I hate when I drop my chili cheese dog in my car and then I have to eat my whole car.

[Wedding Open Bar in my 20s]
Woohoo! Imma get sooo wasted!!

[Wedding Open Bar in my 40s]
Woohoo! Imma save maybe $11!

Rather than trying to “change” your passwords, accept them for their imperfections and they will grow stronger than you can possibly imagine

Make sure to tell remind your boss that you need to leave work tomorrow a few hours early, so that everyone will think that you have Valentine’s plans.

I wanna stand with you on a mountain and throw you into the sea or whatever savage garden was on about

ME: I’m so happy, I could treat a horse!
WIFE: *sighs* That’s not a saying
[spoon-feeding ice cream to horse] Don’t listen to her Mr Butters

I didn’t have hamburger buns one day and instead of running out and getting some, I just used bread like my mom used to do and when I served them, she actually said “I can’t believe you’re making your kids eat hamburgers on bread slices!” and rolled her eyes at my kids!

I’m sure there’ll be some making distasteful jokes about Williams’ death. How annoying for them that he would have thought of funnier ones.

sucks to be a bad guy in the teenage mutant ninja turtle world like
“who stopped u”
“turtles”
“huh”
“no they were like faster than normal”

David Attenborough: Many animals have been known to seemingly freeze when encountering bright lights at night.

Me: *opening refrigerator* Good thing that doesn’t happen to huma-

Steven: I love you

Stephen: I lophe you too

Fish look like they’re constantly being surprised by something.

I 100% subscribe to this philosophy

Untitled Goose Monstress

Lol jk of course her name is Megoosa