My neighbor told me he heard me having sex this morning.
I was putting on my shoes.
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Me: *smugly* I couldn’t name any Taylor Swift Songs
Them: I think she already named them.
I take my kids on vacation because I think it’s important for them to experience new and exciting places where they can cry for more screen time
I love Pilates. At my age, you don’t hear, “Lay down and put your legs in the straps” very often.
This flower shop also sells shirts at the front counter but the display is so large that you can’t see the florist for the T’s.
ME: [standing in the rain]
STRANGER: [taps me on the shoulder] Here’s an umbrella
ME: Yes. I’ve seen one before.
If inmates can pen pal their way into marriage, then there’s still hope for most of you.
Who ya gonna believe babe… me or some random police report.
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
“Watch what happens when the human children hear the sound of their mother eating something four rooms away.”
-if animals made nature shows
My boyfriend has no mental illness and it’s the weirdest shit. You know what he does when he’s tired? Goes to bed. When he’s hungry? Eats a snack. When he’s drunk? Stops drinking. I don’t get it.
Twitter should have ” Throwing tomato” button.
Me: NOT TODAY SATAN
Satan: But-
Me: Jesus, what did I just say?!
Jesus: To be fair he did say not today
Drilling for oil is well boring.
*Organizing closet*
Husband: Where do you want your wedding dress?
Me: Oh, just put it with the others.
Husband: What?
Me: What?
Some of you ladies must go through an astonishing amount of laundry considering how wet you always are
Fun prank: Wear a baby carrier with a parcel in it. Stand at mailbox and yell OH MY GOD WHAT HAVE I DONE!
A man started choking in the line at Wendys today. Luckily the manager jumped into action… And opened another register
All-day Christmas music at work, day 4:
Just Googled “Candy cane prison shank”
me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake
spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry
Anyone know what emoji I can use for “no mum, I don’t remember the woman who lived 4 doors down from us 36 years ago who had no neck”? x
8:00 AM: Too tired to think
Noon: Too tired to think
5:00 PM: Too tired to think
Midnight: How do dragons blow out candles??
is nobodey else concerned that ‘charlottes web’ ends w/ the birth of generations upon generations of hyper-inteligent sentient spider babies
Me: You can be anything you want to be buddy, just work hard.
3: Imma be a lamp.
Me: I’m done talking to you for now.
Think about it – every single corpse on Mt. Everest was once a highly motivated person.
Stay lazy my friends.
No matter how lazy you feel, just remember that Goldilocks decided to take a nap during a b&e.
If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you you may be in love with a boomerang.
GF (from 2nd floor window): either the trampoline goes or I go!
ME: It
…was
…nice
…knowing
…you
An hourglass timer, but it’s just my 7yo slowly pouring sand from his shoe when we’re running late.
Wife: Have you seen my curling iron?
Me: …umm, are you talking about the hotdog bun warmer?
Wife: …
Me: No, I have not seen it.
ME: Good morning
TODDLER: I don’t want to be a mermaid. I want to be a shark with legs.
My kid told me my handwriting looked sarcastic, then corrected himself and said cursive, but he was closer the first time.