My neighbor told me he heard me having sex this morning.
I was putting on my shoes.
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My signature move is to tell men that I can’t hear them because I have my headphones in when I quite visibly don’t have headphones in.
Relationship or hallucination? Either way, I’m seeing somebody.
Wait. We’re now saying *yesty* for *yesterday*? Who decides these things?
Ghostbusters (1984): A large, jovial marshmallow sailor is burned alive amid the crossfire btwn humans and ethereal beings.
Virgo: Expect romance on the horizon. Do not expect it to ever come closer to you than that.
When I said “I’m really good in bed” I was referring to sleeping. Sorry for the misunderstanding, you can pull your pants up now.
I’m dressing up as a public radio station for Halloween so my parents will support me again.
A baby that is starting to wake up from a nap is like a solar eclipse. Whatever you do, do not look directly at it.
Banderslack Clamberdorch
I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?
I’ve never seen anything sadder than me in a black cape under the salon lights with wet hair parted incorrectly by a solid inch
Dora the explorers parents don’t give any kind of shit about Dora. She’s 7 and she’s flying planes and shit to South America with a monkey!
Me: who ate all the cookies!?
Toddler: it was the ninja
Me: did you see the ninja?
6yo: well no it’s a ninja
Me: I’m just really tired, like, I only have enough brain power to think “where’s Kate Middleton?”
Therapist: Oh I haven’t really kept up on that
Me: OH HO HO
one time i went to a guy’s house and he made me watch The Crow on DVD and then when it ended he restarted it from the beginning and i had to pretend my flatmate had been arrested so i could leave
banana bread: bc I’ve got almost $0.08 worth of rotting bananas I don’t want to waste, so I’m going to use $10 of other ingredients
[creation of spinach]
God: Make it slimy and gross when they cook it, like seaweed. And it should be dark green, and when they eat it, it sticks in their teeth.
Angel: Is everything okay at home?
Babies are 60% water, I can walk on babies, therefore I am 60% jesus
I wonder if Superman ever put glasses on Lois Lane’s dog & she was like, “I’ve never seen this dog before. Is this a new dog?”
Great! I just wet my pants. Now people are gonna think I spilled my drink on myself.
Welcome to your 40’s. You appreciate handrails now.
Raid™: For when you don’t want to kill ants, but want to make them late for something.
Ashley Madison website is having problems. But instead of addressing them directly, it’ll just look for a younger hotter website on the side
go ahead and make fun of me for listing my religion as “burrito” but no one’s ever waged war in the name of chipotle
Cult Leader: We need to sacrifice a virgin to appease the Gods
*me pulling up in my jeep with rubber ducks on my dashboard*
Me: why’s everyone looking at me?
“They tell me you’re the greatest sniper in the world,” says the stranger.
“Maybe,” I say, tossing a can at the bin, missing it by miles.
Isn’t anyone here that can fake a football convo like me:
“He’s showing signs of improving”
“He’s a beast”
“He just has to keep those interceptions low”
“It’s been a wild season”
“Yeah they’re so stacked”
“Yeah that offensive line”
Lol I don’t know shit about football.
2019: the floor is lava
2020: literally don’t touch anything