Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Cats mostly follow you into the bathroom to judge your technique.

I gained three pounds last weekend and I’m fairly certain the switch to daylight saving time has something to do with it.

Me, massively hungover, listening to my coworker telling me about their weekend:

“French town to register all local dogs’ DNA to cut mess left on streets. Database will find wrongdoers & fine them.” No fines yet but so far six Poodles have found out they are half Borzoi, two Corgis found their birth mothers, and a Maltese is suing a Pug for child support.

Wish I could cry like movie people with one graceful tear tracking down my face instead of looking like a tomato that fell on the floor.

I’ll make you feel safe in that you’ll know you can outrun me if we are being chased by a murderer.

Everyone always tells me I look young for my age, especially since I started telling them that I’m 72

My company does this icebreaker thing where every week a different person sends an email to the whole company talking about their average day, and today’s coworker started his “I wake up each day furious to be laboring under capitalism” and it has caused quite a stir.

[One hour past bedtime]

[3 year-old yelling from his bed]: PAPA!

Me: YES?

3: [Points to chair] Sit with me.

Me: I would LOVE to but the monster, that eats kids who don’t sleep, hates that chair being warm.

3:

Me [Finger guns] Goodnight kiddo.

“Are you still watching?”

Yes, Netflix. I didn’t magically get my shit together in the last three hours.

sperm bank employee: is he [ear to the wall] is he listening to the full house theme song

*leans in for a kiss*

DENTIST: stop that

Me: Do you ever get the feeling that people are laughing at you behind your back?

My husband: Not really

Me: You’re not very perceptive

Netflix: Watch it again

Me: No! I have things to do, people to talk to, and I haven’t been outside in 3 days

Netflix: Watch it again

Me: ok

I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.

INTERVIEWER: And why under skills did you put “has dominion over bees”?

ME: [covered in bee stings] You can cross that one off

A measles outbreak? Weird. You’d think in this day and age, they’d have invented something to protect against that.

Rage against the machine? I bet it was a printer.

Me: I had to learn to drive on a stick

Daughter: Wow, you guys really were poor growing up. Did the stick at least have tires and an engine?

“Dear Diary, the ugly woman at the bank cut in front of me today.”
Woman: “EXCUSE ME?!”
[whispers]”Dear Diary, I think she can hear me.”

I met my wife on Tinder. She was furious.

kids: *having a rough day*

air-conditioning: *broken*

me: *sweaty and irritated*

underwire bra: would be a shame if something were to suddenly…snap

In my previous life I was a gorgeous philosopher named Mediocrates

Hell hath no fury like a 4 year old whose sandwich has been cut into squares when he wanted triangles.

People talk about how nice Keanu Reeves is, but when I ran into him in the street he wasn’t nice at all. He was very insulting about my driving and refused to sign an autograph until I’d called him an ambulance.

[first day as a hairdresser]

customer: can you take off a foot?

me: *sharpening axe* no problem

I wonder why nobody told Forrest Gump’s mom that all you have to do is flip over the box of chocolates and it tells you what’s inside.

Me: A wizard is never late. Nor is he early. He arrives precisely when he means to.

Boss: You work at Quiznos, stupid. And you’re fired.

[first day as a cop]

MY PARTNER: oh shit, there’s a body in this house!

ME: yeah frank, there are bodies in all houses, that’s where people live