My neighbor told me he heard me having sex this morning.
I was putting on my shoes.
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If you didn’t get called to a meeting with your 5-yr-old son’s principal because he was inviting girls to his “naked party,” you aren’t me.
I’m not saying it’s been a while, but, the last time a girl got down on her knees for me, she showed me how to tie my shoelaces.
dictator is short for richard potato
Cop: Are you drunk? You were driving in the middle of 2 lanes
Me: No. I was pretending my car was Pacman eating the dotted line
I’m so glad we could finally reconnect after all these years because I’d really like your help on my virtual farm.
I’m not asking questions for that friend anymore. Too embarrassing.
If he says I love you and you’re not ready to say it back, just say “I know.” He’ll think you’re being cute and quoting Star Wars. Win-Win.
Nah man don’t buy AirPods. You need the Sony WH-1000XM5-WHCH720N-WF1000XM5-CH520
Turns down music in car: I’ve never heard that strange noise before *sighs* another trip to the mechanic’s.
Friend: That’s my stomach.
[I just barely squeeze thru the elevator doors as they shut, however my chain wallet get caught, ripping my pants off as the elevator rises]
Who let the owls out WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO
dentist: when did you last floss?
me: just last week
dentist: you know i went to school for this, right? i can see that’s not true
me: sorry, i meant yesterday
dentist: what?
me: i mean i’m flossing right now
dentist:
me: ow my gums, they hurt exactly the normal amount
For sale: $300 King size mattress & box spring, 6 mo old, Never had sex on it, not even once. IDK ask her.
[spelling bee]
Teacher: your word is forwards
Me: hey wait everyone else only had to spell one
The 4 stage of life:
1. You believe in Santa Claus
2. You don’t believe in Santa Claus
3. You are Santa Clause
4. You look like Santa Claus
“O honey, it looks like you got your period last night. I guess well need to get new shee- wait! Wait one minute!” ~ Japanese flag designer
non-violent communication is so important in a relationship! instead of:
“you never take out the trash”
try:
“i FEEL like the spreadsheet i’ve kept for the last six months indicates you only took the trash out 3.2% of the time”
You can learn a lot about your kids by helping them with their homework for example, mine are idiots.
crazy how anything you buy with a credit card you just get to have for free
“she was often seen eating a rotisserie chicken in her car”
~police asking for help in my disappearance
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day? You smell of bins.
I could never work at subway because I’d say, “I got your foot long right here,” no matter what the customer ordered
Wrote a manifesto using Google Translate so if I ever murder someone I can plead insanity.
“There’s a sleeping person. Let’s go ask it questions.” – Children
Back to Future II is so unrealistic not a single person takes a selfie or gets bullied on the internet
Took my kids out to dinner & was quickly reminded why I never take them out to dinner.
Do you realize that if real women had the same proportions as Barbie they’d be only 11.5 inches tall?
Get in the car. We’re either getting ice cream or committing arson. I’ll decide on the way