Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m going to be productive today

I’m going to be duct tiv

duct tav

duct tape

I’m going to duct tape the cat to the dog today

If reports from this daisy are accurate, she loves me not.

I’ve just accidentally swallowed some scrabble tiles… My next shit could spell disaster!

Guy Who Invented the Jet Engine: this will revolutionize the travel industry
Guy Who Really Hates Geese: yeah that too

I admire how much mileage The Cut gets out of people writing about when they sleep or are awake

When wood plank seating is finally abolished, it’s over for you benches

My wife has hidden my new lion tamer outfit because apparently I’m “just being stupid”.

Well she’ll be the one who looks stupid once our new lion arrives.

7: is it tomorrow yet?
Me: nope, it’s still today.
7: aww

3 day weekend: *exists*
Americans:

“What about flying rats with no poop muscles and scissors for mouths?”
– God creating birds

every youtube essay now is called “the secret, untold history of toothpaste” then proceeds to read off the wikipedia page for toothpaste

Pandas are such weird, unserious bears. There’s no way they don’t get laughed out of the room at the Bear Council.

The family you’ve pictured in your mind, is never the one that shows up at the BBQ.

Me: Siri set an alarm for 6am tomorrow morning. I want to go to the gym before work.

Siri: Lol

My husband is on the roof – only a few inches away from an insurance claim that could completely change my life.

Coworker – Have you ever gotten Covid?

Me – Does my gut look like I’ve ever lost the sense of taste or smell?

cooking with glasses on is so humiliating…why did i just get blinded by steam

My kid just asked me to help with her art project and I said “aw, why did you choose me?” and she said “because you suck at math”

Met a cute guy at the gym we like all the same movies and he loved my shoes. We have a movie date tonight and he’s bringing his boyfriend.

Well, like I said to my television the other day. “How can these people be so stupid?!?”

Exec 1: So, you wait in long lines. No shade. Crying kids. Drinks cost $7.00.

Exec 2: Nice. What do we call it?

E1: Lol, “amusement park.”

I don’t think The Proclaimers realized how far 500 miles really is.

Wind In The Willows: Choosing Nicknames:

Ratty: I’ll be The Ratster!
Toad: I’ll be The Toadster!
Mole: I’ll be The Molest… I’ll be Moley.

[courtroom]

me: [under my breath] ᴵ ᵈᵒⁿ’ᵗ ᵈᵉˢᵉʳᵛᵉ ʲᵃⁱˡ ᵗⁱᵐᵉ

judge: pardon?

me: omg thank you

The only thing we have to fear is fear itself…& murderous clowns, & ISIS, & one of these two getting elected President after Halloween.

i dont want to consume AI art for the same reason i dont call up my boys every sunday to watch a conveyor belt quickly and efficiently deliver a football to an endzone

Keanu Reeves watching a Keanu Reeves movie trying to figure out how he’s in two places at once.

You ever stop and think about how lucky your friends are that you put so much effort and care into the memes you send them

“It’s five o’clock somewhere” I say as I leave work at 9am