My neighbor told me I should start living my dreams so I had sex with his wife
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Torturer: I’ll cut your fingers off
Me: I’ll NEVER tell you the passcode!
Torturer: I’ll burn your skin
Me: Never talking!
Torturer: I’ll read the poems you wrote in high school
Me: It’s 2547
Everyone hates the word moist until they eat a very dry muffin.
Adding, “I’ll tell you THAT for free…” leaves the door open to sending an invoice at other times.
[day 8 of quarantine]
me: *hiding under the bed* too much family time
monster under the bed: lmao, why do u think im here
me:
monster under my mom’s bed: sweetie where’d you go? we’re gonna play monopoly again
monster under the bed: please don’t tell her im here
Gf: I ate that Twix you bought for yourself
Me: I see
Gf: Are you gonna over-react?
Me: Of course not, I know exactly what to do
Ex Gf: what
1st child: you encourage creativity
2nd child: you encourage independent play
3rd child: you stifle all imagination to avoid a mess.
This guy I really hate has started his own software company. I’m a programmer. After a few months of work, I’m about to finish building a completely free version of his app; and share it everywhere.
robbers: [leaving with my tv]
me: WAIT
robbers:
me: can you close the door
Me to 2yo: Hey bud, what are you having for breakfast? Sausage? Eggs? Hash browns? Oh… 8 forkfulls of ketchup? Good job!
If I could be any super hero I’d be The Flash, but instead of wearing his costume I’d wear a trench coat. Same name, different purpose.
Me grinning like a jackass with my luggage labelled “ wayward son” and waiting for them to ask checked bag or carry-on
Meeting the love of your life on Twitter is a crapshoot, it may go really well or his mom may unplug the Wi-Fi.
Marries a mime. Lives quietly ever after.
[to the tune of feliz navidad]
police are the cops
Coworker: What book you reading there?
Me: ‘How To Kidnap A Coworker’
CW:…
Me: Not you, Karen. A pretty one.
Me: well that didn’t age well
My Mirror:
cant sleep because i keep thinking about the time i went into my garage and saw a raccoon holding a pen correctly
Velcrow
[first date]
HER: I like classic cars
ME: ugh do not get me started on the sequels
u guys got any snacks onboard here
Cop: Sir have you been drinking?
Me: *slowly unbuttons shirt to show underlying Superman t-shirt* It’s me *winks*
Cop: Out of the vehicle.
How do you know when your pen has run out of invisible ink?
Standup desk? Sure then I’ll pay someone to whack me in the kneecaps too
[oval office]
SECRETARY: (shrieks) there’s a dead rat on my desk!
PRESIDENT WHO IS A CAT: wow someone must really like you *winks*
Health insurance so bad, snitches only get bandaids
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you have extremely good judgement.
Australia’s reputation for dangerous wildlife is exaggerated.
Statistics show that 43% of Australians actually escape being eaten and survive to adulthood.
My neighbour won’t make eye contact with me ever since I mistook her for my Uber when she stopped at the mailbox in front of my house
(sitting in back seat, locking eyes with the kid in the child seat) “Huh. I didn’t know drivers could bring their kids”
Accidentally used the dog’s shampoo today, and I’m feeling like such a good girl.
My cat just dragged in a half eaten sausage, I have no idea where he got it from but it tastes expensive.