Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*amasses epic army of stoners but we do nothing because epic army of stoners*

There’s an owl calling for its mate outside my window, maybe I should go out and try that too

My children will either grow up with a sarcastic, dark sense of humor or they’ll wind up a serial killer team. Either way, I’m excited that I won’t have to drive them to birthday parties.

my (35m) 10,000 rats (1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 2m, 4m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 2m, 4m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f..

As a New Yorker, my plan for renewable energy is to simply mention the word “bodega” on Twitter, then let the irrational fury from everyone outside the city fuel us for then next thousand years.

the flight attendant came down the aisle holding out a bag of trash to me and i was like “sure what the hell” and grabbed a couple pieces

yeah but what if it 𝗶𝘀 your fault that you got the grocery cart with the bad wheel? what if maybe the cart just doesn’t like 𝘆𝗼𝘂

I let that asshole into traffic and he can’t even oh look he’s waving we’re friends now.

Don’t know if my mother-in-law is talking about a Netflix show she likes or a family member she hates and she’s so deep into the story I don’t think she knows either.

Money can’t buy you happiness. But it can buy you burritos and a Slip N’ Slide. So you do the math.

Remember, you can disappear into the woods whenever you want. You’re an adult.

Me: Another one, barkeep! I’m not driving!
Bartender: *warily makes me a third ice cream sundae*

[red carpet during zombie apocalypse]

“Who are you eating?”

me: i’ll just have one more bite

narrator: she would go on to have 37 more bites

Boss: did I hear you call me a twat?

Me: recently?

Chappell Roan sounds like a place they have to defend in Lord of the Rings.

My 7yo, as we drive past the tennis courts near his school: “that’s where all the old grandpas yell at each other.”

Sorry I can’t make it to lunch today. I forgot to shorten “people” to ppl in a text this morning and now I’m totally behind schedule.

If I don’t clean my house soon, someone is going to bring in blindfolded ppl for a Frebreeze commercial.

Thinking about getting real into bonsai trees. It seems like an expensive hobby that I’ll lose interest in almost immediately, which is right in my wheelhouse

Hubby’s head seems like it’s almost twice the size of mine.

We are never having children.

if i could teach my cat to go downstairs and accept my doordash delivery i would never marry

Two guys named Noodles and Pancakes are fighting right now.
I will never quit you, Twitter.

We will require you to do something somewhat onerous and time-comsuming and then introduce impediments to completing it.

– my employer

A lot of people finally making good on their new year’s resolution to learn how to cook 👌

the short answer to this question

Don’t judge me because it said “family size” and I ate the whole thing.

It might have been meant for a really small family.

“How do you find anything in here?!”

-my mugger, giving my purse back

Mouth: Uh oh…. it’s that sauce word.

Brain: It’ll be fine, you’ve been practicing.

Me: Will you pass the worth chester’s shire?

Date: I’m sorry… what?

Me: Worse rooster shear?

Brain: WILL SOMEBODY MAKE HIM STOP!!